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QUOTE 78 - 14 Comments
From: Ross Entered on: May 12, 2003 9:35 PM
I fear that this will provoke a list of every known masturbatory euphemism, such as flogging the dolphin, and of course the venerable spanking of the monkey...
From: Swerb Entered on: May 12, 2003 9:40 PM
Let's hope we can stay out of the realm of the obvious with this one. I just wanted to share it cuz it always struck me as fucking hilarious.     For the life of me, I can't remember what Lendell named his penis, but it led to me naming mine "Reality," and Bert named his "The Hounds."     (Still not entirely sure why Bert is nicknamed Bert... did I miss a post?)
From: The Bone Entered on: May 12, 2003 9:49 PM
Once again Bert was coined by Roche. I believe it initially started out as Herb because of some fucking old school Burger King commercial character or something of this nature. It naturally mutated from Herb to Herbert to Bert.     Roche, elaborate if you will.
From: Ross Entered on: May 12, 2003 10:10 PM
I think Lendell's was "All Hell" as in "is about to break loose."     I prompted Roche to tell the full story of Bert a while back, but he must not have noticed. I will, then:     Back in '85 or so, Burger King launched a campaign called "Where's Herb?" This link has some info:     http://www.geocities.com/conspiracyprime/e2_wheresh erb.htm     Anyway, the gist was that some dude on the commercials would be all over the country in individual Burger King outlets and if you spotted him, you won something. So I think Herb was kind of a nerdy dude or something, and at that point in my life, I was ripe fodder for bullies of all varieties. Much to my chagrin, I was dubbed Herb as a result of this campaign. Of course I protested it incessantly, which only made it stick harder. In one ill-advised purchase, my mom picked up a t-shirt for me that read "I'm not Herb!" which had the Burger King logo on it. I can't remember if I ever wore it or not, unsure of what the reaction would be.     Well, even though Roche didn't go to my school, he was kept apprised of my nomenclature via his fraternal information network. Of course, since Roche is not only a name-caller but a name-CREATOR, he evolved Herb into Bert. I was probably called Bert by he and Tony, possibly a few others in our neighborhood for several years after this. Incidentally, after sixth grade in school (the year Herb was coined), I started going to City High in GR and although some people from my grade school went with me, none of my names carried over. But I was probably called Bert into my college years by the Roche clan and affiliated parties. At some point I stopped being annoyed by it, much as I suppose Shemp and Rat came to terms with their heinous appellations.     Eventually, however, the name dropped off in usage for whatever reason... it wasn't replaced by anything derogatory, I believe "Johnson" was simply used instead. Now, though, Roche has seen fit to reinstate his beloved alias for me, and thanks in part to The Bone's quick following of Roche's lead, it is enjoying a resurgence of popularity. We are currently in the Bert Renaissance, if you will.
From: Swerb Entered on: May 12, 2003 10:35 PM
Yes, Bert (sorry), you are correct. All Hell was/is the name of Lendell's little buddy. Although, for special occasions, it was pronounced "All HAY-ull."     You know, even at the age of 11, I thought that "Where's Herb?" campaign was awful. I just wasn't sure if "Bert" was some kind of unibrow/Sesame Street/pigeon-lover thing.     I have a similar story of awful childhood nicknames... I believe it was Andy Schwedler (Ber- er, Ross should remember him; I always sat by him because the students were arranged alphabetically) in 3rd grade who mutated Serba into Syrup, which would eventually morph into Soup. Thankfully, it never really stuck.
From: John Entered on: May 12, 2003 11:38 PM
I'm glad you told this story yourself, Bert. It was hilarious to read and came off better with your insight into your younger years.     I find that your ability to articulate this and other stories in an eloquent stlye is surpassed by none on this site.     Hopefully you never run out of stories to tell. Please continue to entertain us with well written and amusing tales of past and present.
From: BigFatty Entered on: May 12, 2003 11:49 PM
I like to give the one-eyed Willie puppet show, herkin the jerkin, finger my flute, and I have countless others. But to spare Ross - these are my favs.
From: The Bone Entered on: May 12, 2003 11:55 PM
Bert - I was laughing out loud at the story of Bert. Especially the reference to Rat and Shemp.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: May 13, 2003 12:13 AM
It's true enough! Ross is the goodest writer I no!
From: John Entered on: May 13, 2003 2:00 AM
Zilla even no's your the bestest riter around!
From: Ross Entered on: May 13, 2003 5:34 PM
I would also like to add that although I am not in Roche's league for creation of nicknames (he is like a gifted sculptor, but his medium is name-calling rather than clay or marble), I have created some gems in my day.     None of the regulars here would know these, but people who went to City undoubtedly knew and used these names, although few were cognizant of their true origins.     1) There was a truly annoying girl in named Beth Clark, who almost everyone in our class despised for one reason or another. Don't ask me the inspiration for it, for there was no resemblance physical or otherwise, but I dubbed her "Farkus," a handle that I took from the bully in the movie "A Christmas Story." Boy, did that one ever stick. It was given in 7th grade, and stuck all the way through her senior year, which was a full 3 years after I had left the school! If she remembers that I am responsible for that name, she probably wouldn't mind cutting my throat, it was used to such a wide extent.     2) City was definitely known for the nerds that went there, but there are nerds and then there are NERDS. The prototypical nerd was a year or two younger than me, and I think his name was Phillip, though I could be wrong. The reason I don't remember is that everyone called him Chipper. Why? Well, he wore poorly fitting spectacles that always slid down his nose, so he would have to tilt his head back to see anything, which made his already-prominent chin stick way out. Plus, it always seemed that his lower lip was protruding. So the combination of wanting to call him "Chinner" and "Lipper" at the same time resulted in the amalgamation "Chipper." This one also quickly took and before long the entire school referred to him by this name, though I don't even think anyone knew why they were calling him that. In fact, I recall having an argument with a couple of his classmates once, who insisted that I did not concoct that name for him, though they could provide no alternative origin tale.
From: John Entered on: May 16, 2003 12:59 PM
These are some gems indeed, especially Farkus. Years ago I remember you telling me how you came up with these names. So I am familiar with these and can concur with the orgin.     At the time that these names were concocted you were my top padawan learner. Your abilities nearly rivaled my own in this area. In the end I had to concede that your skills were complete, indeed you are powerful as the Roche predicted.
From: Ross Entered on: May 16, 2003 1:26 PM
When I left you, I was but a learner... now... well... you're still the master, godammit.
From: Ross Entered on: May 20, 2003 12:58 PM
Burping the Chipmunk     (just read it)