PHOTO 34 - 9 Comments
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I just have one thing to say, Fuck youuu asshole!!!
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Alright, this reminds me of a legend that I need corroboration on. I heard a story of Tony's mom calling in to the Home Shopping Network and actually getting on the air. Legend has it that Tony couldn't resist and hopped on the line and said "Fuck youuuuuuu!" Apparently there was no delay and he was heard across the country, and the embarassed host just tried to move on. Could this ludicrous story have any truth at all???
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My Mom did get on QVC (same as Home Shopping) twice in fact. There was a slight delay in the voice transmission. It wasn't nearly as sweet as the legend. I diddn't hop on the on the phone, but yelled it in reasonable proximity. I can't gaurantee if it was distinguishable over the air or not, though I'm sure the guy heard an asshole in the background. At any rate it was pretty hilarious to watch my mom get super pissed at me, yet try to maintain composure while still on the phone. Of course I don't do shit like that anymore.
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I thought the Bone actually hopped on the other phone. To bad I was mistaken, it was funnier the other way. It's still somewhat amusing since the Bone was always trying to fluster his mom. I also recall a story that has the Bone jumping over the couch to evade his angry mother. Care to elaborate on that one Bone? Bert, imagine if you had attempted such jackassery with your mom. She would have wielded a yard stick like an angry samurai and whupped your ass. Wait, that also sounds familiar, care to elaborate on that one Bert, probably not.
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I confronted my mom about the hammer incident when she came to visit a few weeks ago. As you can imagine, her memory of the incident was severely impaired.
I would like to note that even as a very small tyke, I could outrun my mom. When she decided to give me a whupping, I would run in circles around the house (which our house on Godwin allowed). Eventually the threats of "wait till your father gets home" being shouted at my back got the better of me and I would slow down and take my punishment. Apparently the Bone had no such fears.
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My parents memory of incidents in the past is also skewed. For instance, they have no memory of the nightly whuppings they delivered to Shemp and I at bedtime. Of course we needed these to be able to settle down and go to sleep.
As you grew older Bert, (about 11 I'd say) you would just stand and take your medicine as I recall. I don't think you made much of an attempt to escape the wrath of your moms yard stick the time I was present. It was possible that your father was home at the time, so you most likely thought it was futile to resist.
Speaking of your father reminds me of another sweet tale of ass whupping. I would tell it, but I'm not sure Bert would want it publicized. What do you think Bert, is it worthy of jackassery?
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Sure, go ahead. I assume you're referring to the snatch-across-the-bed maneuver?
And yes, I knew it was futile to resist. My mom is a fiesty woman - I would have only been digging my grave deeper by offering resistance.
By the way, I love the reference to my mom as an angry samurai. Dead on, man, dead on.
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The "snatch-across-the-bed-maneuver" is exactly what I am referring to.
One day we were upstairs in Bert's bedroom playing with Secrete Wars action figures I believe. All seemed well with the world. I suddenly felt a cold and angry presence. Bert sensed it too, as we turned to look we saw a dark shape looming in the doorway. An enraged father stepped out of the shadows and uttered in a convincing tone "John, I think it's time to leave". By his demeanor I could tell he would brook no argument. By this time Bert moved to the other side of his bed, (as if this would help) . In a flash of movement Bert's dad removed his belt and snatched Bert from across the bed. The lashings had commensed and I was out of there for fear of getting caught in the wirlwind of ass whupping myself. Outside on the sidewalk much to my horror I could hear the continued whupping that had Bert screaming in agony. I quickend my pace to remove myself from earshot and headed home. At this point I cannot recall what crime Bert had perpetrated, but it must have been heinous to warrent such a formidable ass whupping.
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I love hearing such a vivid telling of this tale. I have a very subdued memory of this incident, perhaps I am blocking the memories.
I would also like to add that the "Secrete Wars" guys were great - Sucking Chest Wound Man, Puss Boy, Captain SoftSnot, Cry Baby, The Mad Shitter, The Drooler...
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