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Entered on: May 16, 2005 12:00 AM by Swerb
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Ahhhhh! Natalie Portman with no hair!
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PHOTO 194 - 27 Comments
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Bert can take comfort in this, though: It's for her role in V for Vendetta.
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Yes, the Sinead look is acceptable if it's for V.
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I caught pictures of the bald style Portman last week and had just recovered from it when Swerb brought it out here. Really? Bald? I prefer my Portman with hair.
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I do too, but a bald Portman is still several notches above most fully-haired women.
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I'd still hit it - The Bone
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Bald or with hair, I'm there.
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If I may be self-indulgent, I have just finished a marathon of movies - went to the theater six days in a row. Here's the gist of my adventures:
Bad News Bears - Yeah, it's a stupid remake, but it has Billy Bob, and it's surprisingly funny. Review:
http://www.mlive.com/entertainment/grpress/index.ss
f?/base/entertainment-0/1122043594176990.xml&coll=
6
Stealth - Hilariously awful. A movie in which terrorists transport nuclear warheads in ox carts. Review coming soon...
The Great Raid - Whatever you do, don't overlook this movie. It opens Aug. 12. It's a WWII film based on a true story about a group of Army rangers who infiltrate a Japanese camp to release American POWs. It's fucking sweet. I got goosebumps watching it. I'm sure it'll be barely a blip on the box office radar because it doesn't really have any stars in it (James Franco, Benjamin Bratt, Connie Nielsen, Joseph Fiennes), but you've gotta see it! I'm interviewing the director John Dahl (Red Rock West, Rounders, The Last Seduction, etc.) tomorrow. Review coming soon, too.
The Devil's Rejects - Stylish, well-directed horror movie, although I'm not usually a fan of the blood and guts genre. Review:
http://www.mlive.com/entertainment/grpress/index.ss
f?/base/entertainment-0/1122113729172860.xml&coll=
6
Wedding Crashers - Dumb movie that wastes the potential chemistry of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. I give Deading Crashers the thumbs.
March of the Penguins - Sweet! Saw Jack and Fatty and Bells at the theater after they had already seen this, so I went to see it the next day. Loved it. The photography is awesome, and Ebert said the penguins are "the story of an evolutionary success." I totally agree. A must-see.
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I saw Wedding Crashers as well and I also gave it the thumbs, much to the disbelief of every other single person I've talked to who's seen it. They think I'm crazy. Now granted, I did think Vaughn and Wilson were both hilarious and had great chemistry. But that couldn't save a seriously flawed, over-long script. Also let it be known that the obligatory scene where the protagonist professes love in public for his estranged girlfriend and obliges her to dump the hideous boyfriend is my #1 least favorite plot device.
I can't wait for your Stealth review. I thought this movie was a turd right from the previews. Of course, my derision comes from what I can only assume is a terrible treatment of AI, which is to say it seems like it's the same as any other Hollywood movie that addresses the topic. As hot as Jessica Biel is, she's nowhere near able to save what looks like a truly shitty movie.
The Great Raid sounds sweet. I'll be on the lookout.
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Well, Jessica Biel is smokin' hot in Stealth, but the trailers were quite accurate: It's a steaming hot log. Here's my official 1.5-star review:
?Stealth? is a story about an experimental military fighter jet piloted not by a man, but by an intelligent robot brain. Dubbed EDI (Extreme Deep Invader), the plane remarkably exhibits similar characteristics to its human counterparts ? an artificial personality and the ability to spew lame dialogue among them.
Director Rob Cohen?s stoopid, blow-?em-up action trifle rips off countless films that came before it, among them ?The Terminator,? ?Top Gun,? ?2001,? ?Rambo? and ?Frankenstein.? Yes, ?Frankenstein.? Because what is a movie about artificial intelligence without the robot in question being struck by lightning and subsequently going haywire? You?ll be tempted to shout ?It?s aliiiivvvve!? in a Slavic accent.
Somewhere in the midst of all the digitally-animated fighter-jet action are three hotshot pilots, Ben Gannon (Josh Lucas), Kara Wade (Jessica Biel) and Henry Purcell (Jamie Foxx), who tackle the most dangerous missions. They are forced to partner with EDI, who they have nicknamed Tin Man, and I have nicknamed Frankenplane. Gee, what could possibly go wrong?
Well, there?s the moral conundrum Gannon, apparently afraid of obsolescence, puts forth to his supervisor, Capt. George Cummings (Sam Shepard): ?I don?t think war should be some kind of video game!? he exclaims in one of the film?s many examples of putrid dialogue. But movies like ?Stealth? don?t care about ethical implications as much as making sure things blow up every five minutes, lest our brains get engaged in thoughts outside of popcorn or Biel?s chiseled bod.
Plot-wise, I recall, amidst the haze of explosions, something about the threesome and their robot buddy being assigned to take out some terrorists in Tajikistan hauling nuclear warheads around in ox carts. Because Tajikistanis are apparently a crude, primitive people who have not discovered more practical means of transporting apocalyptic explosives. Obviously, these aren?t smart terrorists. They?re lucky they know which end of a gun the bullets come out of.
But I digress. At the point of Operation: Shoot Missiles At Ox Carts, Frankenplane has already been struck by lightning and allegedly repaired, but surprise, surprise, he malfunctions, disobeys direct orders, bombs civilians and turns against his human counterparts. Everything goes higgledy-piggledy, both for the politics-juggling superiors back at the command center and for our intrepid pilots torn between their orders, their Feelings For Each Other and their Moral Judgements.
Eventually, Wade gets shot down, ejecting over North Korea, then traversing enemy territory by crawling through puddles in tight-fitting pants. When I wasn?t distracted by her damp physique, I kept wondering what she?d look like with a Kim Jong Il-mandated haircut.
As for Foxx, all I can say is, why? He wins an Oscar by putting on a career-making performance as Ray Charles, and follows it up with the utterly forgettable ?Stealth? (playing second fiddle to a convincing, if slightly embarrassed, Lucas). Hear that grunt? Foxx?s career has just suffered a groin pull.
Meanwhile, the laughably terrible lines keep coming: ?There?s no blood in those quantum veins!? ?It?s not a clock radio we?re dealing with!? Or, even better, ?There is extreme tension in the captain?s vocal patterns,? Frankenplane intones, catching Cummings in a fib and channeling HAL 9000. Golly, Frankenplane sure is smart - he seems to be sapping his intelligence from the audience, which will certainly feel dumber after sitting through this movie.
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I like how you used my favorite phrase of being dumber after having seen/heard something.
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Yeah, and I stole the "groin pull" line from Dennis Miller. Not an original thought in my head, ladies and gentlemen!
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I've been complimented a few times for my review of The Dukes of Hazzard, so feel free to check it out yourselves:
http://www.mlive.com/entertainment/grpress/index.ss
f?/base/entertainment-0/1123253231239580.xml&coll=
6
I've seen a ton of movies lately... including Four Brothers (pretty good), Murderball (very good) and Happy Endings (solid, but not great). Today I went to Detroit for super-special sneaks of Walk the Line (Johnny Cash biopic - pretty good) and In Her Shoes (girl drama best appreciated by humans with vaginas, but still pretty enjoyable). I'm seeing The 40-Year-Old Virgin Wed. night, and The Brothers Grimm (Terry Gilliam's new movie - sweet!) in two weeks. I'll post reviews when they get written, unless anyone doth protest.
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Great review, Swerb. I'm still looking forward to seeing The Great Raid, though.
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Great Raid is getting mixed reviews, but fuck, I thought it was pretty sweet. Just a no-frills, good old-fashioned, well-directed war movie.
I'm sure you're aware that Sin City comes out on DVD next week... in a boring-ass, bare-bones edition with none of the sweet stuff we were expecting. I guess we're waiting for the special edition, huh?
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Not waiting - pissed, but I am a collector, so I will get them both. Zilla is already prepping a squawk, I can hear it....
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Bert -- Have no fear, for I'm a collector too. Case in point:
Warner Bros is releasing 2-disc Special Edition sets for all four original Batman movies with music videos and other extras later this year. What's this mean? I gotta re-buy BATMAN (1989) for the first official DVD release of "Batdance" and Prince's other Batman music videos for my collection. "Batdance" the song, musically, is actually pretty sweet (before you knock it, listen to the full version with all the funky shit and sweet guitar work). But the video? WTF! The "Partyman" video was pretty funny though...
I think I'll pass on the Batman & Robin set.
Swerb -- Sorry you couldn't make it to Wizard World Chicago. It was a lot of fun and I was even "Swerb Sweet" (I was on the retailer VIP list and saved Bells and I the $25 entrance fees!). I'll post some photos soon (bought a disposable camera that morning which everyone agreed was the purchase of the day because of the sweet pics we took).
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Did you get to see Frank?
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Yes, we saw Frank and Jim Lee. We didn't bother standing in the line for an autograph though. We just snuck up front, took a pic and left.
They weren't organized very well. There was no details on signings and how to get limited edition collectibles (like a dark phoenix Heroclix) before the show (neither in ads or on the website). The details were in a program that we didn't see until we were leaving (they didn't put it in the goody bags!?!). I would have liked to seen Kevin Smith too, but I heard the lines for him were unreal too.
Back to work!
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Yeah, when Swerb and I went a few years back, Kevin Smith was there as well. We couldn't get in to see him then either. It was fun to go but I wouldn't go back again unless someone like Frank was there.
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Actually I decided that I am going to wait on the Sin City. I will find a copy elsewhere until I can purchase the whiz-bang edition.
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Smart move. You don't want to become an obsessive collector type, like I sort of am (although I'm growing out of it). I want to see the movie again, so I'll just rent the damn thing.
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I hereby proclaim The 40 Year Old Virgin to be the funniest movie in YEARS! I haven't laughed that hard at the movies since Something About Mary. Swerb, you didn't build it up too much at all (like I'm doing now), it exceeded my expectations immensely. Anyone who would even compare this to Wedding Crappers deserves a punch in the sternum.
This movie had a certain je ne sais crois about it that just made it enjoyable to watch even when nothing much was happening - kind of like a sitcom you've enjoyed for years, where the characters you know and love can just sit around talking and you're totally comfortable watching. Instead of with most modern day comedies where you're just waiting uncomfortably for the next joke, half of which bomb badly. But that's not to say that there weren't uproariously funny moments - there were, and lots of 'em. If I'm not mistaken, this movie had the entire main male cast of Anchorman (minus the anchorman himself) but somehow managed to be 10 times funnier. I have to admit that I never really saw Steve Carrell's appeal before (I rarely watched the Daily Show when he was on) and I didn't see it in Anchorman but this guy needs to keep making (and probably more importantly, writing) movies.
Huge thumbs.
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We saw it last night, and I thought it was great too. It is just a real funny movie with very likable characters. My theater was packed, so I didn't get to appreciate all the jokes cuz of all the chacophony. I will definately see it again - maybe not at the theater. The more I go to one, the less I like it. Now tickets are frickin $8.50. With that you get commercials and lots of people surrounding you.
My favorite part of the movie was actually the dance number at the end. For some reason, could see the JA group putting on a number like that, especially after a drunken wedding reception.
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You know, it's Steve Carell's delivery and nuance that really makes the character... just the way he accentuates certain words over others, or just his body language and facial expressions. Both times I've seen the movie, the biggest laugh from the audience comes when he's at the bar at the end of the movie, and he's trashed, and he gets up off the bench-thingy without using his hands. It's fucking comic genius!
What I really liked is that the jokes tend to have some characterization or commentary behind them - they're not just throwaway. Painfully funny, too... one of my favorite parts is when the guys are standing out on the loading dock and just smashing flourescent light bulbs for no good reason (wanton destruction in the civilized age) - I found that alone just hilarious! Sure, what they were saying was funny, but it was also showing that these guys are just as immature as the virgin, just in a different way.
If I have any beefs with the movie, it's that the chest-waxing scene goes on too long, and repeats the same joke (Carell has Tourette's-style outbursts), but knowing that Carell REALLY had his chest hair ripped out for that scene somehow makes it more credible. Still, how many lines in the movie are infinitely repeatable? For example:
1. The "Teen Wolf" reference in regards to his chest hair
2. "You know how I know you're gay?" - classic!
3. "Boner Jams '03"
4. "Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?"
5. "This is GRAPHIC!"
6 . "You're planting seeds, man... you wait for the plant to grow, and then you fuck it!"
That's just off the top of my head, because I know there are plenty more, like all the references to goat-fucking, the do-it-yourself exchange, etc. The movie is just jam-packed with awesome material.
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Yeah, that hands-free standup was hilarious. As too was the dance scene, with the black dude's tribal dance morphing into the MC Hammer dance being the capper for me where I nearly cried.
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