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NEWS 519 - 62 Comments
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Two words: "Public restrooms"
Now go get your shoes back on, you frakin' hippie!
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Maybe I should have expanded on the other parts of the article that interested me, mainly, that shoes change the way we are designed to walk and maybe are the cause of many of the physical problems that people suffer. You can see this first hand by looking at older women that have been jamming their feet into pointed shoes for years. Their bunions, corns, etc... all caused by their footwear. But it was interesting to consider back problems, joint and hip issues, etc.
I am wondering if my not being able to run without serious pain in my lower legs (or even walk long distances) is based on my wearing shoes. Hey, it is just a thought. This problem of mine has plagued me for 5-6 years now. I have been a proponent of proper fitting shoes for some time and am a huge fan of ECCO shoes.
Should people go barefoot in the city or in public places.... well, Hell no! I am thinking more along the lines of wearing a light pair of moccasians or even seeing if those Vivo shoes are any good. Looks like they cost like $140!!! No thanks. One of the bloggers suggested wearing martial art shoes. Not sure if I am ready for the ninja look. I do like working out in barefeet or socks. I might just get some grippy socks for the gym and treadmill.
Who knows, maybe this is Fatty's first step into becoming a treehugging hippie. The dreadlocks start...... NOW!
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BigFatty said:
I am wondering if my not being able to run without serious pain in my lower legs (or even walk long distances) is based on my wearing shoes.
Nope, it's based on the fact that you are overweight for your frame and completely untrained. You'd be discarded off the cliff if this were Sparta.
I couldn't be bothered with reading the whole article but I'm familiar with the concept. Get the Vibram 5 finger if you are worried about it. But change up your nasty diet and start crossfit and you'll be all G.
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I don't think I could walk around with the 5 finger. It just looks really weird. Like those five toed socks. And what if you're one of those people that have an extra toe??
Ohhh, and why do they call it the Vibram 5 "Finger"? What the hell?
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I could definately see Fatty adding the "5 Finger" to his suave on-the-town gear (which includes that outfit of his fashioned out of berlap). And the "5 Finger" certainly keeps the butnik convenient to administer.
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First off, I am grateful I was not raised in the Roche household after clicking on the link. Second, I wish the Bone was my trainer. Your lack of sympathy makes me laugh! You would definetly whip anyone into shape!
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Poor Fatty... he'd sooner give up shoes than his burgers...
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He could grow his hair out like Creeko's and they could be Joe Dirt twins... It would make a sweet halloween picture! They could re-enact the burger meteorite scene!
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I'm with Nick^2 - Those Five Fingers are too weird. The other Vivo thingies are less weird.
Jack is right - I am soon to be a barefoot burger bohemian!
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Bunky said:
He could grow his hair out like Creeko's and they could be Joe Dirt twins... It would make a sweet halloween picture! They could re-enact the burger meteorite scene!
So Bunky, you're saying Creeko is "Joe Dirt" Heiss?! HA HA HA!!!
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I will have to make the most of my 360 and use it for it's intended purpose later. I will get back to you after my viewing of Joe Dirt. It could be a tough call between Joe Dirt and Kid Rock. I may have to call for vote on JA.
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Just to keep those who care about my physical appearance informed, my hair has been properly trimed to an acceptable length (possibly shorter than my Ronald McDonald dew). I've effectivly put myself back on the needs-a-job market by tendering my resignation with my current employer. Come June, I could be on un-employment. I've got like two years built up so I ain't gonna starve.
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Ah... unemployment. It serves the Heiss Brothers well. I remember my first bout of unemployment. A small stint of 2-1/2 years. After I lost my job, the first rational decision was to buy 2 extra large pairs of sweatpants so I had room to grow. Thankfully, Meijers was next door to my condo to accomidate my Costanza-like attitude.
So you lost your job? Got a mortgage and car payments? Feel like it is the end of the world? Shit, ninja... it is just the begining. You can be a poor sap and move into a trailer whilst you man the 2nd shift deep fryer at Mickey-Ds... or you can say F the conventional stuff! Pull a Fatty! Here is what you could do while unemployed.
The second time was not nearly as fun. Just six months of no work, plus a monster house payment that would not go away. However, I spent that six months back in Europe. Rad helped out a bit with the house payment (thanks buddy!). But one must admit that Fatty's first saga of unemployment is one of the greatest stories ever told.
These days unemployment is indeed another possibility. If a sweet job doesn't surface here in Budapest, Fatty will say F the hungarian workforce and head back to the US to find work. Not being held hostage by a job is vey liberating. While most people are terrified of losing their job, I have found it is the best thing that can happen to a ninja.
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Creeko, you need to post an updated photo so I can keep my Fan Club page current! You should be flaunting the Daddy Do-over!
Well maybe you can make your way out to Grand Rapids during your time off and have a little fun.... I am sure if you are nice, Bells can work in one of those alleged butniks...
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BigFatty said:
So you lost your job? Got a mortgage and car payments? Feel like it is the end of the world? Shit, ninja... it is just the begining.
This is very fight club. I like. Sometimes I wonder if the loss of freedom is worth the bullion I generate from work.
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I wouldn't work your way back to the states too quickly to look for a job. Especially if you're going to ply your trade in West Michigan. You should go Bunk with the Bone for a while in Hawaii. They have the largest homeless population of any state from what I hear.
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I don't think I have ever seen a homeless person on any of my trips to Hawaii. If I was homeless, that's where I would want to roam the streets. Would you take some shirtless pics of Bone and post them while you are there? No crank photos necessary. I prefer the mystery.
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West Michigan is not representative of the overall job market. Hell, even though investment banking (my industry) seems to be on the shitter right now, we can't seem to hire a decent candidate, mostly because the overall finance market is still hot enough to steal all the good talent. Of course, this is just one sector, but all I'm saying is that it's not universally bleak.
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Hawaii is chock the fuck full of homeless. Check out the west side - Waianae. You'll see tents all along the beach. Some have pretty elaborate setups. Some of the homeless out there have cars and a job. Just can't afford to pay $2000 plus for rent or half a mil to buy a house. Kind of unfortunate for these guys.
I'll trade you topless pics Bunky.
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I am probably not a tan as you Bone. I need a month or so of sunshine... I was just hoping for a peek of the washboard abs...
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I have a feeling that "Joe Dirt" Heiss mixed with some Bone abs would give Bunky an instant 'gasm.
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Oh stop it, just the thought is too much... My husband will no longer suffice... Is it wrong for me to ask him to wear a mullet wig during times?
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I imagine Swerb had to have some pretty sweet hair in his early metal years...
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Ask and ye shall receive. Hot off the scanner, I poured through my old photo box and found his senior picture. If I recall, the mullet you see in this particular specimen was rather tame for the time.
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That is super sweet! It appears to be a little more Jon Bon Jovi than metal... He has such a sweet baby face and great skin!
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Jon Bon Serba?
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CSI: Fatty Investigates!
On closer examination of the photographic, you can see it exhibits an abundance of fading and significant scratch damage to the surface, plus slight wear on one of visible corners in the scan. Through mullet dating, we can loosely date this picture to the early 1990s. The photo's degregation is significant for a 15 year old photo. The fading would indicate prolonged exsposure to light and/or heat. The scratches and fading on the right side of the picture indicate the photo's surface rubbing up against something. The worn edge also leads me to conclude that the photo was inserted into something. These indications are best explained that this photo spent time in a wallet - were it would have experienced all three elements - body heat, surface rubbing, and worn edges from inserting and pulling out the photo.
Ross, did you carry a photo of Swerb in your wallet?
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Well I suppose you are the expert on carrying photos in your wallet, aren't you, Fatty? (Even if the Bone/crank story is untrue, I have to repeat it until it is accepted as true, as Fox News teaches).
Anyway, I honestly don't remember. I was all ready to deny it because I never carry photos in my wallet, but then upon honest reflection and consideration of your rather compelling forensics, I had to acknowledge that I can't remember what my wallet even looked like back then and that, embarassing as it is, I could have carried around some of my closer friends' pictures in it back then. Who the hell knows, I was a dumb ass kid.
All I can say is that if I did, it wouldn't have been just Swerb - there would have been plenty of chicks in there too! Looking through the stack, there are several others that are similarly beat up, especially some of the girls. Draw any conclusions you like about the possiblity of my mistaking his feathered hair, "sweet baby face, and great skin" for deserving a place near my nether regions! All you Fattys who live in glass houses can go ahead and throw stones!
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Ha ha, Fatty carries a pic of my crank in his wallet
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Hey - I carried Swerb's senior picture around in my wallet too.... and I did not even know the guy back then. Yes, there is something compelling about the fair-haired, baby-face Swerb.... with his all American exterior and metalhead rebelness lurking just beneath that oh-so-soft skin.
The Bone's Crank.... Well, I can't fight popular opinion. I'll let that story grow into the legend. I might still have it in the crime vault awaiting the day to redeem its value. Maybe it will save Bone (Is THIS the cock you say you saw????) or maybe it will save me from the Bone (Before you throw me overboard, tell your Admiral Bone that I may have a photo he MIGHT be interested in).
And yes.... Fatty Forensics (TM) are quite compelling.....
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I find it interesting the amount of time and pre-digital photography that has been donated to the Bone's bone. Not to mention the numerous discussions that have occured on this website directly involving the Bone's crank.
Fatty, I am willing to comprise my moral values for a good cause. I think it is only fair, as an unbiased party, that you let me inspect the Fatty Forensics (TM) and determine if THE LEGEND OF THE BONE is really worth all the hype. I will use Fatty Forensics (TM) to perform a Crank Scene Investigation (TM).
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I still can't get over how pretty Swerb's skin is in that photo! It's flawless!
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Bone's crank is nothing to get all excited about. The photo of it is not so impressive. While he would (and has) state that it is much bigger than mine. I can simply agree to this fact. However, my crank more than makes up for the size difference by being so damn good looking. It is the best looking crank in show business!
Bunky, I am surprised that you have not seen Swerb's photo before. Zilla had Swerb's poster hanging up in his room right next to Heather Locklear's.
Is it me, or does Swerb look like he should have been a part of the Hardy Boys?
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I was just trying to figure out what made Bone's junk wallet worthy. Not just one wallet, but two. Not to mention wallets of the MALE brand....
As for Swerb, he definetly had Tiger Beat potential back in the day. I would have hung him on my wall too, right next to River Phoenix.
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Speaking of cranks. Do you all know that mine can speak italian and french, has an advanced masters in physics and doctorate in theology and lettered on the varsity football team.
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That might warrant another male OR two carrying a photo of it in their wallet, thus explaining what would make it so spectacular.
Isn't a crank a crank? Ideally, they all perform the same function. Ofcourse, there is always the operator error possibililty, but that is another discussion and can't be determined by a photo.
So my question has still not been answered. What is so super sweet about Bone's bone that Fatty and Bells would want to have visual access to it at a moments notice? There is only one other reason men use photographs for visual reference that I can think of, and I really DON'T want to go there.....
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Bunky said:
What is so super sweet about Bone's bone
Well Bunky, you're going to have to come to Hawaii to find out.
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My plane lands in Oahu on June 16th.....
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This has all the makings of a made for TV movie.
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You want to be the one behind the camera, don't you. Dirty bastard.
Actually, you could probably create a pretty funny sitcom based on the original cast of characters from this site. I suspect there is probably enough material out there for quite a few seasons.
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For the record (again) - Bone took the picture of his own crank with my camera. I think I saw him do it. Anyways, I was none too pleased with developing a roll of film with the Bone Crank. Anyways, for revenge, I kept the photo... vowing to show it to any and all. If the Bone wanted to show off his crank so bad - I was going to help him. There are (were) two copies because I got double prints of the whole roll. Bells did ask for one and he received. At no time did the crank photo spend any time in my wallet Swerb-style. I did not own a wallet and still don't, I had and still have a money clip. But everyone likes to say that I carried his crank around in my wallet. This is a complete fabrication, but it makes the story funnier, and gayer.
I am not sure were the photo is today. One still might be in my posession.... It might be boxed up with all my photos at my moms house. I'll have to tell her if she see's any cranks - don't worry, it is just the Bone's. Bells had the other one, but he might have lost it.... or it has become faded and scratched much like Ross' photo of Swerb.
I tell you, from my memory, Bone's crank was strange-ish. Where most cranks are cylindrical shaped, Bone's was more like a cone - this is why I remember it.. because it was odd. If he painted it orange and laid on the ground, it would look like one of those little cones that go-karts drive around. It is the Bone Cone Crank (TM).
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HA HA HA! Fatty carries a photo of Bone's crank in his wallet! How gay!
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I always want to be the one behind the camera. My mug does not translate well in any type of visual media.
Fatty. That was a classic description. You've almost piqued my curiosity enough to want to see it. Alas, I've seen enough porn to know that despite the uniqueness of a crank, it is still a hideous thing of wrinkles and meat.
So, If the Bone were to lay on the ground with his crank painted orange, would anyone know he was there?? Maybe he should try it and take a picture like those camo artists out there.
I'm not sure of the link, but I remember seeing a site where people painted themselves in various decor, nude, and stood in plain site while people walked by, oblivious to them until they were too close to look away. Strange.
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I have this strange cheetos (TM) visual in my head now. Thanks Fatty. That is very disturbing. It is also kind of disturbing that your mom may now have a photo of Bone's crank... I hope it is not in a frame on the mantle. That would just be plain weird...
Funny that you mention the crank photo thing. It must be a trend amongst the males.
I do recall in the early marriage years, being at a wedding with my husband and our friends. His friends grab a camera off the table that they thought belonged to one of the peers in our group and went "Full Bone" amongst themselves with the roll of film. It was discovered somehow at a later date that the camera did not belong to one of our friends, but that of the parental brand. Not so funny!
Nick Nick, have you seen Ron Jeremy with the lights on? The standards they hold women to, don't apply to men.
On a more exciting front, Costco had two packs of the big bottles of Sweet Baby Ray's in over the weekend! I was so excited!
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Yes, Bunks... it must be a male thing. As disgusted as I was with the Bone's actions, I too started to find stray cameras and took certain liberal photos. The best one was at a friends Xmas party. No one was the wiser at the time.... then 1 1/2 years later, my crank shot was returned to me at my own birthday party, in a birthday card. I was cracking up!
Go ahead and lather up with the Sweet Baby Stuff for Hernwaii... While it is an effective sunblock with a SPF of Tasty, it will spice things up when you play 'construction zone' with the Bone Cone (TM)
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Holy crow, Fats. Why aren't you writing some famous sitcom or scathing editorial. You're skill with words rivals Ron Jeremy's skill with crank.
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I have said that to Zilla on many occasions. Fatty has the gift of writing and a sense of humor...A rare combination.
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Aw shucks guys.... you make me blush. Thanks. But, I have a secret I have been hiding for many years. I might be a good writer.... but I CAN"T READ!!! Oh, the shame! I don't know what I am even writing. It made for an awkward schooling. One of the worst moments was in High School. I turned in my paper for US History on Benjamin Franklin and my teacher, Mr. Reiffer took off his pants. What did I write to make him do that!
Really, JA is a place where I can write absurd stuff. I am surprised it is put up with. I just watched Family Guy. My style fits into that comedy pretty well - a bunch of stupid, off-topic thoughts.
Maybe one day, when some fancy Californian producer, with this ethanol fuelled car, reads the Body of Jackassery, we will all get our 15 minutes. Except the Bone. He only gets 12. F the Bone!
But - the best writer is Ross. That erudite mofo is so good at writing, when he wipes his ass the toilet paper has short term papers on it. When he is constipated, he can only shit Haikus.
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Dude, my crank in no way, shape, or form resembles a cone. I can state with authority that is a straight, thick and perfectly shaped. In fact, it really is very handsome. No point no nothing. I haven't actually seen the pic of my crank that circulates resides in Fatty's wallet but it is most likely suffering from paralax error, bad lighting, or some other camera trickery.
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So Bone, your crank is normal and even handsome if given the benefit of proper lighting? Maybe you need to take your crank to Sears Photo Studios and have a full pictorial done. I hear they do a great job -- interesting backdrops, props and proper lighting -- and have reasonable photo packages including frames! You could even send a link to Bunky so she could check the crank out on their website.
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They might even put it up with all their other sample pictures of random families. Maybe give it a nice sepia tone.
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Sepia tone! Hahahahahahaha!
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Edge takes some really nice pictures. He could do a nice Crank Fall Layout during the changing of the seasons. I am sure he would make sure the proper lighting enhanced that straight, perfect, thick shape.
He could make a sweet crank DVD that Bone could hand out as gifts on the holidays. He could make a Bone Crank Tribute DVD and mail it to Fatty so he could take it to Creeko's on the next trip. They could make popcorn and watch it on it the 360. I bet you can't find that shit on the marketplace!
As for a link, I will stick to the mystery.
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Ok - I dug around in my wallet and found the Bone Cone picture. You'll notice right away from the scan, that it was carefully protected in a special, temperature-controlled case. There is no heat damage or wear. He also has a tattoo on his crank. An obvious over-compensation. So you be the judge. Does the Bone Cone look like a traffic cone?
The photo is pretty straightforward.
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Bunky said:
That is super sweet! It appears to be a little more Jon Bon Jovi than metal... He has such a sweet baby face and great skin!
Airbrush.
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Jackzilla said:
Jon Bon Serba?
Fuck you.
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BigFatty said:
CSI: Fatty Investigates!
On closer examination of the photographic, you can see it exhibits an abundance of fading and significant scratch damage to the surface, plus slight wear on one of visible corners in the scan. Through mullet dating, we can loosely date this picture to the early 1990s...
Ha ha ha ha hah!
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Ross said:
Ask and ye shall receive. Hot off the scanner, I poured through my old photo box and found his senior picture. If I recall, the mullet you see in this particular specimen was rather tame for the time.
My mom made me get a haircut.
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BigFatty said:
But - the best writer is Ross. That erudite mofo is so good at writing, when he wipes his ass the toilet paper has short term papers on it. When he is constipated, he can only shit Haikus.
This is what happens when I only sporadically visit JA... Ross gets credit for being "the best writer." Pardon me while I resume my full-time job of being a total jagoff.
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Swerb said:
This is what happens when I only sporadically visit JA... Ross gets credit for being "the best writer." Pardon me while I resume my full-time job of being a total jagoff.
See. If you weren't so elitist about your position you might get more respect here. But no. Go back to your paper. We don't need you here. Unless, of course, you can get me tickets to Iron Man.
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Its true Swerb. You've been more of a special guest star than a regular these days. No criticism, just an observation. Betcha it is all the YouTube fame and all. But, yes, when you are on JA - you are able to put the letters together in a pleasing fashion. Sorry to overlook you.
Get yer ASS back here more often!
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