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Happy Birthday, Motherfuckers!
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Entered on: February 17, 2008 12:01 AM by Ross
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Whose birthday do I refer to, you ask? Why, Jackassery's of course. Today Jackassery.com is unofficially 5 years old. I say unofficially because due to an early process fornication early on in the site's development, when I deleted some of the earlier
content and had to reconstitute the database based on Google's cache of
the site. However, based on what data we do have, the first entry to Jackassery was on February 17, 2003.
Of course, the site did exist in some form even before this, merely as
a list of quotes, and was dubbed "The Encyclopedia of Jackassery" by
the Bone at some point. Only Fatty and I added quotes to the archive
back then (hence the plain-Jane moniker "Will" attached to the old
quotes), and apparently the first quote added was the classic "Freer Sheer Freer Sheer, that's what I said",
back on October 29, 2001. Alas, the original version of the Jackassery
quotes page is lost to the ages but all the data remains intact.
Since then, with a relatively small user base, we have added over 13,000 entries!
I would like to thank you all for making this site what it is - true
Jackassery at its best. I never imagined during those days coding it
on the sly on my client's dime for educational purposes (really) that
it would turn into something we all would use. I give you carksarkers the thumbs! |
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NEWS 508 - 24 Comments
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In the spirit of celebration and rehashery,
I thought I would share my top ten favorite Jackassery discussions.
This by no means captures all my favorites but it's my best effort at
memorializing the spirit of the site. I've worked on this list on and
off over the past several weeks.
I do have to say, also, that IMO The Bone is the comedy king of
Jackassery. He has some of the funniest rejoinders I've ever read.
10. Spice
Why I included it:
One of the better shit discussions (along with the Poop Defcon saga) but really gets into the nitty-gritty (pardon the pun) of how some shit is worse than others.
Memorable lines:
Bone: "Earl vs Karl Turd Theory"
Ross: "Fat piece of shit, or stubby fat wang: Either way, it's a hilarious comparison."
Johnnybells:
"At the time I may have misjudged her age, but I assure you I am more
vigilant now. So please cut the sanctimony guys."
9. Creeko vs Ross Food Debate, or Ross vs "The Swerb Factor", or Johnnybells vs Jackzilla "Grain of Rice" Debate
Why I included it:
How
could I not? What started as a typical movie review thread evolves
into classic off-topic Jackassery-style infighting! A blueprint for
how we roll here.
Memorable lines:
Creeko: "I am merely sharing my experience and my opinion, if you want to try to
knock me down based on scientific facts and Discovery Channel knowledge
that’s fine."
Ross: "I won't hesitate to call you on childish sweeping statements, like....
oh... I don't know.... "Food in Spain = good, Food in USA = bad," just
as an example off the top of my head."
Bone: "Bert, Roche, and Zilla don't know what the fuck they're talking about negro."
Johnnybells:
"Ah, the mere mention of a semi-nude Pitt is all I needed to hear to
get me to see this flick. I'll probably check it out."
Bone: "The Bone Factor? Otherwise known as an opinion based on original ideas!"
Ross: "As for the Bone Factor, it definitely exists, but it's not easy to pin
down. Something to do with vampires and shit. And psychopaths."
Swerb: "In other words, all the back-and-forth yammering on this website
(admittedly hilarious; Pattern Recognition Boy should go to Vegas and
clean up) is not that far removed, biologically speaking, from monkeys
flinging poo at each other."
Swerb: "Well, Bert, aka Dr. Science, THAT should grind this overlong discussion string to a halt."
Jackzilla: "I was just trying to make a humorous point. I'm beginning to think I was unsuccessful."
8. Movie Reviews: Bert vs Bone on Spider-Man 2 and Bert vs Swerb on Signs (my favorite) and I, Robot, also Bert vs Swerb on War of the Worlds.
Why I included them:
These are perhaps the archetypal movie-review fighting threads. Also a good runner up is the Matrix discussion thread,
but that has less fighting and more Bert and Bone waxing philosophical
on the second Matrix installment that didn't end up warranting it (as
Swerb rightly pointed out).
Memorable lines:
Ross: "Bone will on the one hand admit that it had some sweeter action than
the first but on the other say that it is only a level or two above a
steaming bowl of turds."
Bone: "I have to admit, the clip on one hand seemed to have sweeter action
than the first but on the other hand is only a level or two above a
steaming bowl of turds."
Bone: "Perhaps I have a personality flaw that prevents me from liking him with the same amount of zeal as you guys."
Johnnybells: "Untill you watch X2 again we can consider your judgement on the subject impaired.
"
Zilla: "In case it isn't obvious to all, by the way, Johnny has a hard-on for
Aunt May... Bert, has Johnny always had
this Aunt May fetish? Maybe it's Rosemary herself that gets Johnny's
libido raging..."
Ross: "Is there anyone besides Aunt May who doesn't know who he is at this
point? That mask was coming off faster than Fatty's pants after an oreo
cookie."
Johnnybells: "In conclusion Bone, your opinion is indeed crazy."
Johnnybells: "The mere mention of anal rape and it gets all crazy on Jackassery."
Ross: "All that "tension" becomes as limp as a slice of baloney if it's built on a ridiculous lie."
Ross: " I will not rest until I have ruined this movie for all of you! How dare you enjoy something I cannot?! Bah! "
Swerb: "we will never resolve our debate about Once Upon a Time in the West,
and I'm therefore prompted to say that intelligent adults whose
attention spans haven't been ruined by video games will appreciate the
film greatly."
Ross: "It's official! The Bone is off his rocker! I'm sure Catwoman is better than Spider-Man as well."
Bone: "I just got done reading the darndest thing. We aren't delivered by
storks after all. In fact the whole process is amazing. Asshole!"
Zilla: "I believe Swerb's rant above is the Family Guy equivalent of setting oneself on fire and running through a window."
Ross: "in a War of the Worlds D&D game, Protective Father beats Crazy Guy In Basement every tiime."
7. How Many Five Year Olds?
Why I included it:
Obviously, because the concept in itself is hilarious. This isn't a concept we invented, it's actually part of Internet lore by now. But add to that Bone's point-by-point analysis (unrivaled
anywhere on the net, IMO), and you have a true classic that has had my
entire office in stitches when read aloud. This one is all Bone.
Quotes don't do it justice, you have to read the whole thing in its
entirety.
Memorable lines:
Bone: "Man, that shit would be fun."
Bone: "there isn't any realistic way you could motivate them to continue with a coordinated attack once the bloodshed began."
Bone: "the mental capacity for combat strategy and execution is limited in a 5 yr old."
Bone: "Punches would be most effective but you would eventually break knuckles on kid’s skulls."
Fatty: "Their little tennis shoe's soles lighting up each time they kick you in the head."
6. Emily Karl Argument
Why I included it:
Emily
Karl lived next door to Tony and is basically the mythical high school
girl next door. The problem is, what happens when she grows up and
cold hard facts butt up against ideals? This conversation, of course.
Memorable lines:
Bone: "You've taken away my one and only fantasy that sustains me. There's
nothing left to live for now. I'll be killing myself now. Thanks Ross."
Ross: "I'm sure her fat greasy thighs and yeasty poontang get damp with anticipation at the mere mention of your name."
Johnnybells: "So Bone reignite your fantasies and jerk it unabated with the knowledge that Emily Carl is still a hottie."
Ross: "Something smells fishy in my office and I think it's Emily's pussy."
Ross: "Straight Talkin' Bert Johnson"
Bone: "More like Near Sighted Bert Johnson "
Jeurge: "Having been inundated with stories of Emily Carl and how hot she was throughout my entire marriage to John..."
5. "Shitsack Brothers" Wiping Strategy
Why I included it:
This is possibly the longest-running harassment theme for the Jackasses - getting on Fatty's case for wiping back-to-front.
Memorable lines:
Bone: "be assured, you have fecal matter on your nuts even as you read this."
Bone: "Yes, in fact I do think you smear fecal matter around your crotch"
Fatty: "Yes - when I wipe, I drag the paper across my ass, up over my balls, up
my shaft, and over the belly, for a nice complete stroke."
Bone: "Back to front is as wrong as two boys fucking. Here's an educational
link mama Heiss should have read before she potty trained the "Shitsack
Bros"."
Johnnybells: "This gay style could only be used by men with boy like proportions."
Bone: "with your method, you risk touching the nasty porceline not to mention
the ultra-high risk of submerging your hand in bung water...Besides, men with large genitals would really find this method quite
difficult. I gave it a dry run this morning just to objectively assess
the technique and aborted the process for safety reasons."
Fatty: "Don’t get me started on the angle of the lean bullshit. That has more holes than a bowl of fruit loops."
Bone: "On the record, Ross, John, myself, the entire medical community know how to wipe our asses properly."
Bone: "You sir, along with your brother, are barbarians."
Ross: "I felt that during my trial, I was heading dangerously close to Total
Process Fornication but decided to power through for the sake of
science."
4. Neo / Morpheus Follies
Why I included them:
We
had some "outside" critics join the site and started attempting to
antagonize us. We basically remained amused, but it was interesting to
watch Johnnybells in particular get his first taste of what the
anonymity of the Internet can bring. It prompted me to install a
registration password for the site, though in retrospect, with
conversations like this, that might have been a mistake.
Memorable lines:
Johnnybells: "To Neo, why don't you come and shut my BIG FAT MOUTH, YOU PUNK
MOTHERFUCKER. Then again, I have a feeling your to much of a BITCH to
do that, hence the pseudonym, you cowardly fuck. Whoever you are, if
you want to talk shit you better be willing to back it up. Just let me
know and we can meet face to face whereby I'll lodge my foot deep in
your fucking ass!!!!"
Bone: "I was eagerly awaiting the Roche response. I knew it would rely on heavily physical violence."
Johnnybells:
"He is probably jerking off right now in a dark corner somewhere with
visions of being sadomized dancing in his head."
Bone: "it is highly amusing to watch her serve up a super lame negative
comment and have it get smacked down in her face every single time."
Bone: "Hey Murphus - how is your super bad ass life going?"
Bone: "If you are attempting to lure us into a false sense of security with
your extaordinary dull replies it is working. Come on guy, bring your
A-game next time."
3. The Alba Chronicles
Why I included them:
This site has seen an unprecedented amount of pro/anti Jessica Alba debate, which includes the now-classic phrase Albino Marmoset. So much so that Google probably has indexed us as an Alba fan site. Discussions of her have varied over an incredible number of classic threads. It's no coincidence that her initials are JA!
Memorable lines:
Bone: "Don't get me wrong, I'd give her a ride on the Bonecoaster."
Bone: "By the way, next time you throw up a picture to show how hot Alba is, find one without flabby legs."
Zilla: "Regarding your "flabby legs" comment: Now you're just being silly and difficult."
Johnnybells: "...Anglina Jolie sucks with her Jon Voight looking ass."
Bone: "I must be gay cause JA looks like skinny yet flabby version of the
Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer claymation movie."
Zilla: "If that's flabby, then perhaps Skeletor is more the Bone's brand of justice."
Bone: "she looks like a poodle. She is the antithesis of nubile."
Johnnybells: "Bone, I think it's time to just capitulate and admit you're crazy so we
can end this absurd debate. Clearly you are out of your mind."
Ross: "...the "heterosexual male" bandwagon, on which I am a proud rider. The Bone seems to have lost his ticket, however."
Bone: "It's hard not to be crossed eyed when your face is crooked."
Ross: "The way you stick up for her you'd think her name was Jessica Rocheba or something..."
Bone: "Maybe a blowski if I was intoxicated."
Bone: "Scientific my arse. She needs science to help her with her looks."
Bone: "Your feeble minds can't resist the manipulations of professional
editors. See how she crosses her legs to hide the jiggles."
Ross: "I think it's pretty clear where the biases lie around here: chicks who
naturally resemble vampires by virtue of bad orthodonture: thumbs up."
Ross: "...even if you posted a picture of Alba that every other man on this
planet agreed is depicting the hottest woman alive, Bone would still
claim to prefer Bea Arthur."
Johnnybells: "I would also like to add that my Jessica Alba Fetish is more reasonable than your Mike Tyson fetish."
2. Fatty's Master's Paper
Why I included it:
This
is quite possibly the most legendary thread in Jackassery history.
Shortly after Fatty relates a harrowing experience of nearly losing his
term paper due to faulty computer components (quite possibly the fault
of yours truly), his professor joins the mix to relate to us that had
Fatty's paper indeed been lost, it might have been for the better
anyway. To this day, Fatty cannot live this humiliation down.
Professor Gerry: "You think writing the paper was a “dull task” – I had to grade the thing! Ugh."
Professor Gerry: "giving the wrong course name and number does not make a favorable
impression! And your opening paragraph was a classic: “Spain has a long
and rich history. Some of its past predates history.” Pure poetry."
Professor Gerry: "Academia is going to miss you, my friend."
Ross: "Spain is a country. An old country. It is in Yurup. They speak French Spanish there. They use pesos or something for currency. Who knows what they use? I don't frickin know, damn Mexicans."
Fatty: "What can I say??? I wrote a shitty paper and got called on it."
1. Gaycusations Galore! For a sampling, try here, here, here, here, here and here.
Why I included them:
Without people calling each other "fruity" or crank-gawkers, I don't know if we'd even have Jackassery. Though less prominent now, accusing each other of being gay was once a staple topic of the Jackassery community.
Memorable quotes:
Bone: "Roche - your tendencies have been noted long before now."
Johnnybells: "In an asinine attempt to shift the "man - crush" from himself, Fatty tried to frame me for the crime."
Fatty: "Is this becoming a bad Perry Mason reinactment, or is it just me?"
Johnnybells: "I am not a crank gawker, just a prankster."
Johnnybells: "Big Fatty was gay long before this cruise. Proof of this began with his
first boy-crush on a fellow classmate by the name of Carl and continued
with a lurid dream that had me sucking his toes."
Ross: "Big Big FAGGY!!!!"
Johnnybells: "Perhaps Tony's proclivity for showing his ass is his way of inviting an anal intrusion."
Johnnybells: "This seems to suggest a desire for a deep dicking, however none of the core group would oblige."
Johnnybells:
"It is highly unlikely that we are all "of the fruity style", when in
fact the only fruity one is the fag flaunting his ass."
Johnnybells: "Tony refers to his ass as a "tasty treat", need I say more?"
Fatty: "Your fixation with chicks with dicks is a little strange. You know they
are dudes with boob implants, not chicks with dick implants, right?"
Bone: "Clearly you are excited by all this talk of cranks. Calm yourself down.
By the way, your the one who devised the monicker "Bone" and who like
to see big cranks in porn."
Johnnybells: "To purport you never said you prefer big cranks in porn is mendacious at best."
Bone: "if you were forced by someone to suck his dick at gunpoint or
something, then the best thing to do (according to John) would be to
feint the sucking and instead deliver a blow to the head of the dong."
Bone: "At some point I did infact punch my own clown for scientific purposes."
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First of all, the success of the site it due to Ross, not only for creating it, but keeping it working, up to date, and available 24/7. Your "Hobby Site" has been available about 99.5% of the time, and only seems to go down the second you go on any vacation. Plus, I am sure there is a ton of work you do behind the scenes that we do not even know about.
You have been wonderfully attentive to the suggestions of the user, making countless upgrades based on feedback from us. JA is very easy to use at the basic level and has gained many useful features over the years - the Search Engine, Text Editor, and Flickr photos being prime examples. You've shared ownership with us but without sharing any of the workload that should go along with it.
You've forgotten to mention the other precursor to JA - Third World Beat Down. I feel this was the first real attempt to chronicle our experiences in a professional styled website. A lot of the quotes from that site were ported over to JA and we've never looked back since.
IMO this site has commercial value. We've discussed it some in the past with you thinking it would be too difficult to administer. Looking at Facebook and MySpace, JA offers what those sites don't - real conversations and sharing of pertinent, personal information. What you have here is a great platform. Maybe my coming back to the US will involve getting JA some seed money for development.
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I don't post as much as I used to but I still chek in as often as possible. When I could connect at work (it's probaby better now that I can`t) it felt like I was spending more time contributing to JA than working. Alas, with kids and more responsabilities, time and creative inspirations have given way to lazyness.
The site has been great and knowing the Bertstation it will continue to improve.
Who knows, maybe someday in the future Bert can sell the "Cronicales of Jackassery" to some producer and make a Pulp Fiction/Napolian Dinamite/Spider-(note hyphen)Man/Calvin and Hobbes type movie.
As long as I get my check and name in the credits, I'll allow either Ricky Schroder or Matt Damon to play me.
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I realized that most of the links in my top 10 were faulty (thanks to the damn text editor, again), but they're now fixed. I highly recommend re-reading some of those classic discussions, as they provided me with hours of entertainment.
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Funny stuff indeed, even the 2nd (3rd, 4th...) time around. Good job, Bert on highlighting some classics. Congratulations to us all! Now, once we're done sucking each other's dicks, I have a suggestion for another improvement, Bert:
On some super active posting days, when I don't get a chance to login soon enough, when I finally do the whole left side is filled with "new message" alerts. I feel I'm missing some comments because only the most recent 15 comments are shown. What if instead of comments, the most recent topics with new posts would light up. And then clicking on that would take me to the first new comment for that topic. That way, with 30 posts on one topic, and 10 on another, etc. I can still catch up with no fear of missing important information or a vernucular body slam.
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Well, I did plan for this eventuality... if you notice, there is a little box at the bottom of the latest entries box where you can override the default 15 most recent entries. Hence, if you want the 30 latest, you can enter 30 and hit enter and you will get a home page that looks like this.
However, I know what you're saying about jumping straight to the latest comment that you haven't read. Even if all the new ones are onscreen, it's still tough to know if you hit them all. Getting this right is the holy grail of forum software, and is actually harder than you might think to put in place. Anyway, I could probably do it with a couple days worth of effort.
Anyone else feel the need for this? I didn't do it the first time around because I like to adhere to a principle in the software biz that we call the "KISS" principle - Keep It Simple, Stupid. But if what we've got isn't cutting it for everyone, I can be pursuaded to make an incremental upgrade.
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Once again this is Jeurge not Bells. Any time I try to type 30 in the latest entries bax I go directly to the error page. Same thing happened when I tried the "this" link above. I'm not sure if this is only a problem on the very unsweet Roche computer, but I'm sure it has caused me to miss some possible hillarity or enlightenment. Also, hats off to you Ross. Although Bells is often absent for long periods of time, and I no longer have the skill to log in as myself, the Roche's do count on Jackassery for laughter and a means of keeping up with those of you not wise enough to live in Lowell. We can't thank you enough for the birth and hard work of raising Jackasssery.
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Hmm, not sure why it errors out when you type in 30 yourself. As for why my link didn't work, that's because I somehow farked the link up (it's this damn text editor again). The right one is:
http://www.jackassery.com/?latestEntries=30
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Seems like Fatty Fornication is contagious! 
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I'd like to throw my two cents in as well. This site is Gr-r-r-r-reat!!
All right. Now that I've completely gone gay on it, I'd just like to say that this site should never, in any way, go commercial. The reason we have actual, meaningful conversations on here is because the pool isn't dilluted by dim-witted neanderthals.
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To help Jeurge out, I just added a "forgot password" link on the login box in case anyone forgets their password... it will email it to the email address you supplied when you registered.
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All those links are great. I can't read through a single one without laughing uncontrolably. I just read the wiping argument. That's pure gold.
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NickNick said:
The reason we have actual, meaningful conversations on here is because the pool isn't dilluted by dim-witted neanderthals.
First of all... have you read the site???? What meaniful conversations are you referring too? 'The great wiping debate'? 'How many five year-olds can you take on'?
I envision a commericial site where you can control who has access to your discussions, or you could open things up to the general community to share in your topic of choice.
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Did you check out those pics from Thirdworldbeatdown? We looked young.
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Thanks Ross. I have now regained the needed skill to be myself on Jackassery. I will use this skill responsibly.
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Ross, Jeurge needs an avatar....
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"To purport you never said you prefer big cranks in porn is mendacious at best."
Hahahahahah hahahahahahhhahahah!!!!
This Johnnybells quote is the epitome of the Jackassery spirit: A dubious, lowbrow topic approached with intense scrutiny and analysis and spiced up with a tremendous vocabulary.
Hats off to Bert for keeping JA alive, and occasionally browbeating me (and Bells!) for not participating as often as I (we) should... my excuse being, the last year-plus I've been spending more time at work actually working to stave off the endless string of deadlines I deal with daily. Boo hoo for me.
But five years? Sheesh. Who thought it would really last this long, and in such a robust manner, with fresh, insighftul commentary by (relative) newbies like Rad, NickNick and Bunky? Welcome to the fold, motherfuckers!
And that's a terrific Greatest Hits compilation, Ross. Had me quaking with laughter again. The effort is much appreciated.
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Great stuff! I forgot some of this stuff (I don't even remember my own comments!) and it's funny as hell!
We should have a Top Ten Picture entries, but it would take some time to wade thru them all.
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Let's just keep off the fountain one if you please.
And I'm pretty sure by that comment, I just assured the fountain of poo one of the top ten slots.
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Are you talking about tubgirl?
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Yup. That would be the one. The other one that I want to forbid would be purse woman. I believe it's not on here anymore but it was picture of an extremely old naked woman. I think The Bone put it up. She's just standing there in her cured leather skin, all wrinkly, kicking her boobs. Just nasty.
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Yeah, that's the problem with a top of 10 pictures. We don't want to look at the most memorable ones again.
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Happy Birthday, Motherfuckers! Jackassery turns 6 today!
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18539+1 entriess to date if you include this one. Keep up the good work!
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