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Jack's World Starts to Crumble!
Entered on: January 2, 2006 11:32 PM by BigFatty
We all know that Jack lives a pretty happy life. He has his happy routine, in happy Lowell, with happy people all around him. It is full of monkeys, sunbeams and cotton candy. His life is pretty easy.... and happy.... until this past week.  
Jack called me up and said he was having trouble with his USB ports. He had just installed a new program and after that, the ports quit working. Jack is pretty computer savvy, plus has minor in computer science. It sounded like a simple fix to me, and to him as well - uninstall the questionable program and reinstall the USB drivers. Well, he tried all that with no luck. He was slightly frustrated. I told him I'd look at it the next day if he did not get it working.  
He didn't. So, the next day I took a crack at it. I am fairly competent on basic matters of computers. I screwed around with his computer and found it was not as easy as I thought. But, after some time and a call to Ross, I had managed to get the computer to recognize the USB ports. The only problem was they were recognized as version 1.0 and running extremely slow. Jack was encouraged. At least he knew his ports were working! All he had to do was figure out the driver issue. We discussed worse-case options, the last being Jack doing a system restore on his hard drive. Well that was overkill really?..  
A few days later, I talk to a very upset Jack. *@#%#&! Computer! After many days and countless hours, things had went horribly wrong! Jack could not get the ports working, so he opted for the system restore. He had never got M$ Service Pack 2 to work on his computer, so this time he was going to do things right. Jack found that in addition to M$ Windows upgrades, Sony had plenty of updates too. The update list was so long and complicated that he printed off a list so he could diagram the instructions and check off steps has he went along. To make a long story a little shorter, Jack?s end result was a top-of-the-line computer that would not even boot up from a disk. It was completely useless.  
Fuck this! Fuck M$! Fuck Sony! I?ll get this taken care of! I got the extended warranty! I?ll have them bitches fix this for me. They are going to fix the ports, install all the updates, and get everything working! Fuck, they better give me a new computer if they don?t!  
Today, Jack calls to make sure I am going with him to Circuit City to return his computer. He asks me if he should write a letter explaining what he wants done. Sure, whatever, Jack, it will not hurt. I don?t think it is that big of a deal. But, Jack wants to make sure they do all he wants. He is not too confident in the tech support?s abilities. Can we blame him? Anyways, I get to Rookies, and Jack is starting his letter. His wordsmithing takes near 20 minutes until he is happy with his masterpiece. He proudly shows me his work, holding it like a baby so not to wrinkle the paper. Oh shit, I got to make a change! He quickly changes ?I would like you to fix? to ?I need you to fix?? There! It is all in how you ask, he patiently explains to me. Outside, the lightening flashes and the thunder starts to roll in??  
After dinner, Jack is running down the checklist with me. ?What do I need to bring?? ?Powercord, and I think that will do it. Oh, don?t forget your receipt and letter.? We climb into the car and Jack remembers he left the receipt inside, so he runs in to get it (but just in case because Circuit City has all that stuff stored on the computer!) Angie called after us to be careful. The weather had turned into a terrible thunderstorm! I could hardly see the road driving the 20 minutes to CC. At some particularly hairy moments, Jack admits to closing his eyes.  
We finally arrive to CC and it is pouring. I find a spot quite away from the door. Jack gets out to grab the computer out of the back seat. Oops, the back door is still locked. I unlock the door for Jack. At the very instant that Jack opened the door, some sort of micro-storm cell blasted the car with a strong gust of wind. It shook the car violently and blew the door wide open. Paper exploded from the back seat. Jack and I were all ?Shit!? Jack smugly said, ?Well, I hope that paper was not important.? As soon as he said that, we both knew that it kinda was. ?That wasn?t my letter was it? Goddamn it! It was!? In the heavy downpour Jack turned to look for his letter as if it might still be on the ground. By this time it was surely 72 miles away and embedded into a telephone pole. Jack ranted and raved in the heavy rain much to my delight. ?Man this is bullshit! I can?t believe this shit! Jack grabbed his computer and ran into the store with Fatty following, laughing uncontrollably.  
At the counter, the guy looked at us kind of strange. After a brief explanation to him about why we were there, he asked Jack, ?Didn?t you call the number?? ?What number?? ?You call the service number and we send a guy out to your house. You didn?t need to come in here. It is all covered in the plan.?  
Needless to say, Fatty enjoyed the ride home with Jack and his broken computer. He noticed the storm starting to lighten up.  

NEWS 325 - 18 Comments
From: Ross Entered on: January 3, 2006 7:53 AM
Talk about masterpieces - Jack's letter might have been good, but this story is the true masterpiece. I started laughing hysterically at this for some reason:  
The update list was so long and complicated that he printed off a list so he could diagram the instructions and check off steps has he went along.  
Keep us updated on the fornication procedures.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: January 3, 2006 10:28 AM
Well done Fatty.  
Here's an update: I just spent a half hour on the phone with Loraine of Customer Service. Some tech will be coming out to the house to install a new motherboard. I'm still concerned about the 30+ Sony updates and endless Windows XP updates that have accrued over the last couple years. I hope they send someone competent. And he better bring an umbrella... I sense the storms starting again...  
Oh yeah, Service Pack 2 can suck my cock.  

From: Swerb Entered on: January 3, 2006 11:29 AM
Yeah, well, here's my rainstorm story: I was at Meijer getting groceries. I have a cartload of stuff, all in paper bags, of course, and I walk out the door into a downpour. I batten down the hatches by zipping up my coat, and sort of covering my bags with the two big packages of toilet paper I bought. I shove the cart through the parking lot, huge puddles, and realize I can't remember where I parked. I scan the lot, and, Aha! There's the car. I dash over to it, put the key in to open the trunk, and it won't work. Wrong car. Same model, same color, but wrong car. It's raining fucking buckets, mind you. In January. Whatever. I find my car, throw all my soaked stuff in the trunk, and drive home. I anticipated the compromised integrity of wet paper bags, and carefully brought the groceries from the garage, through the rain of course, into the house. Only one bag ripped, thankfully after I got it inside. I was so wet, I had to change my clothes.  
Dumb story, yes, but my conclusion? Fuck the asshole weather! Christ!
From: Ross Entered on: January 3, 2006 12:35 PM
You need a new motherboard for all this? Are you sure it's really a hardware issue?
From: Jackzilla Entered on: January 3, 2006 1:04 PM
Step away, Bert, step away... you don't want to get involved here, believe me...  
Seriously, the initial problem (USB) sounds like a hardware problem to me. Keep in mind it still didn't work after the restore discs. When Loraine said it sounded like I needed a new motherboard, I asked her, and she said that the USB controller is on it. That's all I know. My brain hurts. I'm going to go eat some Christmas chocolates now...
From: Ross Entered on: January 3, 2006 2:24 PM
Fair enough. The controller is definitely on the mobo, but since the ports stopped working after installing some software, I figured it was probably a software issue. But either way, if you replace the motherboard, your ports should start working. :)
From: Swerb Entered on: January 3, 2006 9:58 PM
What amazes me is that Zilla still has Christmas chocolates left! Shit, negro, I ate all mine in a week!
From: Jackzilla Entered on: January 4, 2006 10:40 AM
Swerb said:  
What amazes me is that Zilla still has Christmas chocolates left! Shit, negro, I ate all mine in a week!  
Swerb - I have perfected a method of maximizing Christmas Chocolate intake. Here are some pointers from a pro:  
1 - Exercise tight inventory control on your personal stash. This includes never leaving your goodies to fend for themselves -- tuck them away in a secure, private spot. Ain't no way a brother is gettin' into my chocolate-covered raisin jar I just opened "at grandma's house."  
2 - Eat "community" goodies first. Concentrate consumption on the freshly baked cookies and fudge made "for everyone." If the supply of a particular favorite gets low: Into the personal stash it goes!  
3 - Take your wife's goodies at every chance. Hey, you're helping out with her new year's resolutions, right? She gets to keep all the scented candles afterall.  
4 - Make sure your kitchen is the main headquarters for holiday baking. My wife's friends and sisters were all baking at my house. Just like last year and the year before that. The House gets a percentage of all confectionary creations: That's the House Advantage, my friend.  
5 - Maximize every opportunity. For instance, at our house, everyone gets a chocolate letter of his or her first name. It's a Dutch tradition. I get my whole name. In chocolate. Bitch!  
Those are just a few tips, Swerb. Ain't no reason you have to hit the new year sans the milk chocolate, baby!  

From: Ross Entered on: January 4, 2006 5:09 PM
From: BigFatty Entered on: January 4, 2006 10:16 PM
Zills fails to mention that he also gets a huge truckload of chocolate, sweets, and sugary crap for Xmas from everone. He also does not mention that he scarfs down candy in huge quantities. His stash is close to infinite, at least thats how he eats it. Normal people will open a bag and eat a few pieces. Not Jack. Christmas candy comes in one serving size - that bag it is in. He honestly eats candy bags at a time. On our little computer adventure, he brought along a bag of chocolate truffles. Ya - they were gone by the time we headed for home.  
He then starting giving me shit cuz I wanted a Jr Bacon Cheeseburger. Well, he had to get one too.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: January 6, 2006 9:56 AM
Dude, those chocolate truffle bags are small! What are there? Maybe 20? 30 inside? Okay... it's a bit more chocolate than a bag of M&M's I'll admit... but THAT's how I ROLL!!!  
Well, my tech Don came out this morning to the house to install the new motherboard. He was fairly sweet. A little, wirey fellow. He sat on the floor of the computer room, on the plastic mat, sitting on his own legs (like a little schoolgirl would do) and had everything removed, new motherboard put in, everything back and plugged in... in 30 minutes.  
Same error message on the screen.  
After a call to HIS tech people, it was narrowed down to a bad power supply. So it'll probably be another 5 days til he's back to put that in.  
I think I'll end up with a new computer -- one piece at a time -- by the time this is done.  
By the way, despite the age of my system, the tech dude had a hard-on when he saw my graphics card. I don't even know what it is, but it's nice that it's still "hard-on worthy."
From: Swerb Entered on: January 6, 2006 4:43 PM
You know, even I can install a power supply. 30 bucks was what I paid, slapped it in, took five minutes. I'd be pissed if I had to wait for some twerpy Circuit City nerdlinger to get that done...  
Did I ever parlay the story about my genius Comcast tech a couple years back? The guy who stayed at my house for an ENTIRE DAY, argued with me that my network card was bad when I knew it wasn't... I knew more about computers than this guy did, and I'm an idiot. He complained that he wasn't properly trained. Well, duh. Neither were his buddies - I had a parade of Comcast dorks through my house trying to "help," all more clueless than the previous one. I think my appt. was at 10 or 11 a.m., and he left at 5... and the problem wasn't fixed. A "senior technician" came out the next day, swapped out the modem and left in a half-hour. Problem solved. You'll note that now, I have SBC. Fuck Comcast in their fuckin' fuckholes!
From: Ross Entered on: January 7, 2006 9:10 AM
A "senior technician" came out the next day, swapped out the modem and left in a half-hour. Problem solved.  
Jesus! That's the FIRST thing they usually do if they can't figure it out - swap in a new modem. And it actually usually solves the problem. To hear my latest tech guy tell it, the modems tend to only last a year or so (though mine lasted at least 2).
From: Swerb Entered on: January 8, 2006 12:02 AM
Oh, the first guy tried swapping a new modem, but didn't know how to set it up. His conclusion? Nothing wrong with the modem - must be the network card! He had his head up his ass pretty far...
From: Jackzilla Entered on: January 10, 2006 2:12 PM
Well, Don the Tech Guy came out again this morning with my new power supply. Everything seems to be working now! Including my USB 2.0 external HHDs (the original problem fixed!). I had to run the System Restore discs again, so now I just have to reinstall all my 'warez!  
I think I'm staying clear of Service Pack 2.  
Now for some more chocolate...
From: Swerb Entered on: January 10, 2006 8:21 PM
Sounds like you'll have enough chocolate to last you 'til July. Bastard.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: January 10, 2006 10:47 PM
Well, I'm at home loading stuff back up and notice... no sound? Where's my sound? I NEED MORE COWBELL!!! Maybe Don The Tech forgot to hook up my sound card or something? Plus my printer won't work. Guess I'm callin' 'em back out! D'oh!  
Swerb - You'll be happy to hear I ate my last chocolate letter today. I'm scrimping by with half a jar of chocolate-covered raisins and misc. chocolates in the stash. When's Valentines already!? MY CHOCOLATE'S GETTIN' LOW!!!
From: Swerb Entered on: January 10, 2006 11:22 PM
Here we are, obsessing over chocolate like chicks suffering through their periods or something. With that in mind, as far as this topic goes, I'm OUT!

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