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Chronicles of Narnia
Entered on: December 11, 2005 11:42 PM by Swerb
Does anyone care about this movie? Anyone see it? Well, I thought it was ho-hum, and the comparisons to Lord of the Rings are unavoidable. My review:

NEWS 314 - 12 Comments
From: Swerb Entered on: December 11, 2005 11:51 PM
I've already got a handful of e-mails calling me a jerk for not liking it (or, maybe more appropriately, not LOVING it). But this is the best (read: craziest) one, copied verbatim:  
"Bloodless"...."Lacks the Heart of Worthy Lewis Tale" totally missed the point. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe was everything for which I had hoped, and more! 5 STARS! The movie wasn't about a lion; it wasn't about four London siblings; it wasn't about blood; it wasn't meant to out-animate Lord of the Rings! It fantastically depicted how if we follow God, the "meadows will be greener" (notice the dark, dreary life of the trolls when they were making tools, how miserable Edmund's life was when he was with the White Witch), "people around you will be happier" (the trolls weren't happy people, Edmund was always afraid), "we will see love all around us" (the White Witch was awfully deceiving--you didn't see any physical contact by the trolls except with weapons--Edmund was bruised, bleeding from the lip), "people will be there to help us" (in the White Witch World, everyone was there for themselves; Edmund had no help from anyone), "unconditional forgiveness from Aslan" (White Witch: "You are worseless to me now"--very unforgiving--heartful; used Edmund only for information, then when he had no more information, "Kill Him").  
The movie gave believers an opportunity to tell "fence walkers" about God's story--to invite them to their "side of the fence"--to share their faith--to show them how "bright" God's world is.  
You just don't get it, do you? Seek God, and your life will be more meaningful! Obviously, you're not at that stage in your life yet. I'll be praying for you!
From: Swerb Entered on: December 11, 2005 11:45 PM
By the way, I really really really want to respond to this e-mail in David Cross fashion:  
"You're praying for me? You've got me covered? Great, I'm going to go do an 8-ball and fuck some hookers. Thanks!"  
But that probably isn't a good idea.
From: Ross Entered on: December 13, 2005 6:36 PM
I've heard that the movie is decent. I don't really know if I want to pay for it or not... my Mom was into the books when she was younger and encouraged me to read them. I read this one, but never went any further. I didn't remember being all that into them at the time so therefore I'm not too excited now. Meh.
From: Swerb Entered on: December 13, 2005 11:01 PM
Saw King Kong yesterday, and it's sweet! I loved it! Peter Jackson is a badass. The movie is a bit too lengthy at 3 hours, but it's a whale of a good time. I give it the thumbs!  
Plus, any movie with a monkey in it is a plus for me.  
Also: Don't forget to go buy your copy of Sin City: Recut, etc. It came out today. Got my grubby hands on a copy this evening...
From: BigFatty Entered on: December 14, 2005 12:23 AM
I happened to read the Narnia book in Budapest, being one of the few English books I could find. Sure the book was fine, but as far as the movie goes - I am not too interested. Especially after Swerbs lackluster review. (Swerb has got some powers it seems). I became even less interested after seeing all the God hype going around it. It seems there are a great majority of wackos who think the movie has to be good because it is about God's glory. We got to start a business selling religious crap to these people. Good Lord!!! I am thinking of all the swarmy possibilities to make a mint off of them. I just need to get hooked up with a Chinese factory and I am in Biz naz!
From: Swerb Entered on: December 14, 2005 8:19 AM
My problem is, there's a character in the film/book (Aslan, the lion) who sacrifices himself for the good of his people, then comes back to life. OK, I see how that parallels the story of Jesus. But I've gotten a handful of e-mails criticizing me for NOT mentioning the religious undertones, blah blah blah, when it all boils down to a person's singular interpretation. I know this is a generalization, but the Christian wackos want to stake claim on ANY character or act resembling anything in the Bible, and deem those who don't interpret it that way to be in need of their prayers. I could just have easily interpreted, say, Neo in The Matrix movies as a Christ figure - or, what the hell, King Kong died for love, and Jesus is love, therefore the story is a Christian allegory. Fuck that...
From: Ross Entered on: December 14, 2005 4:13 PM
I think Neo was a Christian allegory, actually. :)  
Anyway, I can't wait to see Kong. I still think some of the shots look video-gamy, but I never doubted Jackson's genius after LotR. So the hype is getting to me and I'm feeling the need for Kong.
From: Swerb Entered on: January 2, 2006 8:47 PM
If anybody's bored, go here to read my picks for best and worst movies of the year:
Other movies I wanted to mention but didn't have room for: Crash, Batman Begins, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, March of the Penguins, Pride and Prejudice, Match Point, The New World, Transamerica, The Great Raid and Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic. I have yet to see Munich, Brokeback Mountain or Syriana, which made it on many critics' best-of lists.  
Long after I turned in my article, I realized I should have put War of the Worlds in my list of worst movies. Not that I want to start that argument again...
From: Ross Entered on: January 2, 2006 10:13 PM
Finally! I've seen a flick Swerb hasn't: Munich. Thumbs up. Eric Bana is always good, seems like.  
I like how you managed to work Passion of the Christ into your "Worst List" two years in a row. You're just BEGGING for the hatemail, aren't you?
From: BigFatty Entered on: January 2, 2006 10:35 PM
"1. "Saw II" -- Boasting a budget of literally hundreds, this gorefest is revoltingly, miserably sadistic. It's almost as gross as "The Passion of the Chirst." Almost. (DVD release TBA)"  
Ok Swerb, now I know you like getting hate mail! From everyones list, it sounded like one great year for movies! Problem is, it does not seem like it. I hardly went to the theater at all this year. Nothing struck my fancy too much. It seemed like Douglas stuck to little-known indies and foriegn flicks to round off his list.  
But, you must fly through the air and kick Crapjack's teeth out for listing Batman Begins as Dishonorable Mention. You don't have to love that movie, but in no way does it deserve mentioning in the worst movie listing! Crapjack needs to chew on his own rectum to get some taste!  
What was the deal with refunds on Cinderella Man? It was mentioned in the article, but the reference was lost on me. I thought that was a pretty good flick.
From: Swerb Entered on: January 3, 2006 11:19 AM
Yeah, in the print version of the article, my Passion of the Christ comment got cut. I like hate mail - makes me feel alive.  
Some theater chains (AMC, I think - they don't have any theaters in GR) were offering refunds for Cinderella Man if people didn't like it. It was kind of a publicity stunt to rustle up interest in the movie.  
Yeah, Jefchak was harsh on Batman, but my 3.5 star review is what ran in the paper. So there.  
And if you get a chance to see Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic, do so. It's fucking hilarious. She goes out of her way to offend many, many people. (Example: "The best way to get pregnant is to be a black teenager.") I'm sure it's playing in Chicago, Bert.
From: Ross Entered on: January 3, 2006 12:38 PM
Yeah, a friend of mine at work has told me about that movie and said how good it was. It's playing at the theater in my old 'hood.

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