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Chaos Theory
Entered on: August 25, 2004 1:33 AM by The Bone
The trailer for Splinter Cell:CHaos Theory is giving me a chub. Hope it's a little more challenging and longer than Pandora.

NEWS 218 - 98 Comments
From: Ross Entered on: August 25, 2004 9:30 AM
You know, even though Pandora Tomorrow was short and easy, I still loved every minute of it. Sam Fisher is just such a sweet character and the games are so well made that if they keep cranking them out at this pace, you won't hear a single complaint out of me.
From: Creeko Entered on: August 25, 2004 11:16 AM
Yea, I gotta get back to PT. I got side tracked with TOCA 2.  
I like me some racing games.  
I got a chub chub for Microsoft's Forza Motorsport scheduled for a Sept/Nov release. Dubed to be a Gran Turismo Killer
From: John Entered on: August 25, 2004 1:18 PM
Man, I haven't even started PT yet. I know, I suck.
From: The Bone Entered on: August 25, 2004 3:08 PM
I'm with Ross on Splinter Cell. They are super sweet. I love the character Sam Fischer. The story is good. The graphics are good. It's got sniper mode. It's got sneek around style. All it needs is vampires and Mike Tyson.  
I've got a sweet idea for a movie: Some dude is being hunted down by a vampire Mike Tyson - instant winner.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: August 25, 2004 3:22 PM
Better yet, Bone: The game BASED on the movie, where you play as the vampire Mike Tyson! And the soundtrack is all Prince! "Bat-daaaaance!"  
And uh... throw in Jessica Alba as a biologist or something...
From: Ross Entered on: August 25, 2004 3:44 PM
Better yet, get this, a short film that breaks down like this:  
Sam Fisher learns that one of his old arch-nemeses from a previous game that he thought he killed has been running amok doing some terrorist type shit. He tracks him down into a dark alley and confronts him, when all of a sudden the guy gets nabbed by a fucking vampire! Nex thing you know another vampire is on top of Sam and starts trying to bite his neck, except it's having a hard time getting thru his sweet bodysuit which is the only thing that buys him some time. But before Sam can get to his trusty pistol, from out of nowhere a fist cracks the vampire so hard it goes flying off Sam, arcs through the air, and lands on a pile of garbage in the alley and gets impaled on some loose wood and dies.  
Sam looks up, and it is none other than Mike Tyson. Before Sam can grumble some thanks to his savior, Tyson rushes him, screaming about wanting to eat his children.  
A fierce battle ensues, and while Sam is a skilled hand-to-hand combatant, he knows he is no match for Tyson's sheer strength, coupled with his heaping helping of crazy. So Sam pulls out some non-lethal gadgetry and attempts to subdue Tyson. It slows Iron Mike down but elicits various insane rants couched in terms like "discombobulate" and "ludicrous".  
It keeps Sam in the fight, but he's quickly running out of steam. Then Sam realizes he's going to have to exercise the fifth freedom if he wants to escape this one, so he snags some piano wire out of a hip pouch, does a split jump in a narrow part of the alley, drops down behind Tyson and begins to suffocate him. Tyson's life begins to slip away.  
But then Sam hears the sounds of footsteps behind him. He releases his hold on the barely-living Tyson and spins around. Standing before him is a group of George Foreman, Evander Holyfield, and Butterbean looking as menacing as they can.  
Sam reaches to his side for his pistol.  
Behind him, on the far end of the alley, three vampires emerge from the shadows.  
Fade to black.  
Oh shit, never mind. I liked that one better when it was called Batman: Dead End

From: John Entered on: August 25, 2004 7:16 PM
I love that Tyson would be uttering some of his famous catch phrases.
From: The Bone Entered on: September 4, 2004 1:19 AM
What could be even more highly anticipated than Sin City? Well about the only subject matter that's even in the same ballpark as vampires is zombies. That's right folks Resident Evil: Apocalypse not only has zombies, it has Milla Jovovich who is so attractive she makes Jessica Alba look like a regurgited bacon and sperm sandwich. Not only is she a beauty but her character Alice is peerless psycho fucking killer of zombies. Discuss!
From: Ross Entered on: September 4, 2004 8:20 AM
Dude, fuck that shit and watch Shaun of the Dead instead! Swerb and I have already seen it and laughed our asses off. What about the rest of you guys?  
The original Resident Evil was only close to tolerable because of Milla (who is hot, but certainly no hotter than Alba) gallavanting around in skimpy outfits. Overall, it gets the thumbs down. I can only assume the next one will be worse. Still, I'll give it a download sometime.
From: Swerb Entered on: September 4, 2004 10:08 PM
Yeah, I guess Milla is attractive:
But you'll notice she's breastless. That means "without breast." Plus, she could stand to eat a few Fatty-certified cheeseburgers.  
I also find it humorous that said photo is one of the publicity shots from the new movie, which means it's smartly being marketed to horny dudes. Still, life seems too short to see either Resident Evil movie (didn't see the first one) unless one is paid to do so...
From: The Bone Entered on: September 4, 2004 10:27 PM
I'm just kidding about the sweetness of either films alothough I do admit that the first was a guilty pleasure.  
What I really want to see is I Heart the Huckabees. That looks like it may be good.
From: Swerb Entered on: September 4, 2004 11:51 PM
Yeah, I saw a trailer for Huckabees last night, and I'm totally jonesing to see it. The director is sweet (he did Three Kings, a killer, underrated film) and the cast is top-notch. Also, I saw Garden State last night, and it's quite good... funny, well-written and -directed, emotional (kind of hit me like Lost in Translation did) and you get to see Natalie Portman swimming in her skivvies...
From: Swerb Entered on: October 1, 2004 12:30 AM
Well, I saw an advance screening of I Heart Huckabees, and it's pretty funny and very strange. It has a loopiness to it, kind of like Adaptation or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (which is out on DVD now, by the way). I enjoyed it quite a bit, although any considerable comprehension won't come until a second viewing, methinks.  
Also saw Shark Tale, and it's a bit better than I expected. Will Smith sucks, and his fish character just looks disturbing. But Jack Black plays a sensitive vegetarian shark, and both his character and performance are quite funny. Bottom line, though, it doesn't compare to any of the Pixar toons or the Shrek flicks.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: October 1, 2004 8:26 AM
Hey, I got a serious question. Why is the "heart" symbol pronounced as "heart" instead of it's meaning "love"? All this time I thought the famous t-shirt was "I love NY" and it's really "I heart NY"? What the FRICCC!?!
From: Ross Entered on: October 1, 2004 9:10 AM
I have zero desire to see Shart Tale, even with the bonus of Jack Black.  
I know next to nothing about I Heart Huckabees (I've always been confused by that as well, Jack) but since I seem to have been very remiss this season in making it to the movies, it'll probably be a video "rental" for me as well.  
It's true though, Chicago, on top of having shitty movie theaters - or ones that are hard to find affordable parking for, tend to have assholes in the theaters that talk loudly, use cellphones, or are otherwise obnoxious. It just doesn't usually warrant the ticket price. I never thought I'd say that I prefer seeing movies at home but between cutting off the lights and plopping down on my couch, and the trouble and questionable experience of a Chicago movie theater, it's rarely worth trying the latter.
From: John Entered on: October 2, 2004 3:32 PM
That just plain sucks! I love going to the movies but can't stand when obnoxious assholes ruin the experience. I haven't had time for the movies myself of late. I purchased Eternal Sunhine of the Spottless Mind the other day. I've gotta agree with Swerb on this one, it's a fucking great movie. My wife and I just watched it today and both of us enjoyed it as much as when we saw it in the theater. The little article you wrote about it was dead on, Swerb.
From: Swerb Entered on: November 30, 2004 1:25 PM
Attention Natalie Portman fans: I just saw "Closer," in which she plays a (gasp) stripper. Whoa nelly... I almost needed a defibrillator for one scene. She doesn't get totally nekkid on screen, but, man, she puts on that lusty come-hither look, and she has all the best stripper moves down pretty convincingly. I kept trying to figure out when it was a body double, and there are some, uh, suggestive shots where it absolutely ISN'T a body double. She's a hell of an actress. It's hard to believe she's that cute kid from The Professional and Beautiful Girls...  
In all seriousness, though, she deserves an Academy Award for this. It's a damn good movie, too - some of the best dialogue I've heard in a long time.
From: Ross Entered on: November 30, 2004 1:53 PM
Also hard to believe that she's Padme from Star Wars, since her performances there are lackluster to say the least. However, I have also been eager to see Closer, so perhaps I will take in a showing over the holiday break.
From: John Entered on: November 30, 2004 10:01 PM
Star Wars also gives her shitty lines to work with. Melissa wants to see this movie and now I do too.
From: Swerb Entered on: November 30, 2004 10:16 PM
Y'know, Bert, everybody looks lackluster in the Star Wars prequels. That dialogue would embarrass Master Thespian from Saturday Night Live.  
Case in point: You know how shitty Hayden Christensen is? I saw him in a movie called Shattered Glass - he played the main character - and he was pretty damn sweet. (I also recommend the movie - it's a well-above-average drama.) Really, only Liam Neeson and (Jack Hates) Ewan McGregor save some face, but even they look awkward at times.  
Plus, Ms. Portman has been good in EVERYTHING but Star Wars. And seeing her writhe around in a thong should be incentive for y'all to go see this movie... trust me. To quote Clockwork Orange, it made the hairs rise on my plot.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: November 30, 2004 11:11 PM
Sounds like Swerb gives it more than just "the thumbs."
From: Ross Entered on: December 1, 2004 10:10 AM
Here's an interview with both Portman and Clive Owen (Dwight in Sin City) that has a few interesting tidbits:

From: Swerb Entered on: December 1, 2004 12:47 PM
Yeah, I forgot that Owen was in Sin City, which makes me even more excited... Closer really turned me into a Clive Owen fan. I liked him in Bourne Identity, and now I want to see King Arthur, even though I've heard it's kind of turdy.  
Bert, I like how one of the "interesting tidbits" includes a Natalie nude scene that was edited out... here's hoping the DVD includes deleted scenes.............
From: Ross Entered on: December 1, 2004 1:14 PM
Indeed, but I wouldn't get your hopes up... odds are her contract allowed her veto power over nudity so I'm guessing that if she axed it in the feature, the DVD would be the same. But one can hope she changes her mind in the meantime...
From: Jackzilla Entered on: December 1, 2004 3:02 PM
Actually, I heard that the director himself removed the full-on nude Portman scenes from the movie. He's either A) Ka-Razy or B) Has the greatest personal porn stash EVER.
From: Ross Entered on: December 1, 2004 3:11 PM
Here's what I found:

But there was nudity in a strip club scene with a drunken Owen that was cut.

``It was a second-and-a-half,'' Nichols said. ``What you now see is from the back as she closes her brassiere, and I had shot it from the front, a second-and-a-half, and that's all I ever shot. Now it has a life of its own, and people say, `Is it online? Can we see it?' No. My deal with Natalie was, `It's your body. You decide. It's not anybody else's decision or business.' And she said, `I don't want to be walking down the street wondering if (some guy has seen my breasts).' So I took it out and it's better. The scene and the picture are not about seeing anything, but experiencing.''

From: The Bone Entered on: December 1, 2004 3:31 PM
I posted pics from the deleted scene on the front of Jackassery.
From: John Entered on: December 1, 2004 9:03 PM
She already had her breasts out on the beach which found it's way on to the internet for all to see. What's a little more nudity on the net going to hurt?
From: Swerb Entered on: December 3, 2004 6:51 PM
Here's the official Swerb review of Closer, if anybody cares:
Coming soon - official reviews of Ocean's Twelve and Kinsey. Just saw both today, and they're both pretty good...
From: John Entered on: December 4, 2004 9:36 AM
I saw Closer last night and Melissa and I liked it. Jack seemed to like it okay, but Angie didn't seem to care for it. Man, Natalie was hot and you get to see her ass in a thong.  
I thought the cast perfomances were strong, Natalie and Clive in particular. I did bust out laughing when Jude was crying in Clive's office. I don't know why, but it struck me funny.
From: BigFatty Entered on: December 5, 2004 6:02 AM
Good review Swerb, I bet you get a few angry letters from the holier than thou's wondering how you can recommend such filth, and asking the theaters to ban it. If you are lucky, you might get a lesson on God's true meaning of sex and what it means - free of charge!
From: Ross Entered on: December 5, 2004 10:24 AM
Speaking of the holier-than-thous in GR, I cannot believe they changed Halloween to Saturday and there was nary a complaint about it. When my parents told me this over Thanksgiving I was incensed! No one seemed to care. Bunch of religious ignoramuses don't even realize that the damn sabbath is supposed to be Saturday anyway, and their dipshit religion fucked it up a long time ago.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: December 5, 2004 3:05 PM
For the record we kept Halloween on Sunday here in Lowell. I have a problem with moving it willy-nilly myself. If enough people don't want it on a Sunday -- fine! -- but make it OFFICIALLY the last Saturday of the month or something. And yes, I was Tigger again.
From: TallPat Entered on: December 6, 2004 10:15 AM
Actually, Grand Rapids did not change to Saturday, they kept it on Sunday. Perhaps in the township where your parents live they changed it though. They had a list of areas that had moved to Saturday in the Press a day or two before that weekend.  
I now consider that list to be among my "places I will never move to".  
It was also rather interesting to ask kids that came trick or treating where they lived. While I did not do this, one of my neighbors did, and he said that at least half of the kids lived in one of those places that had moved it to Saturday. Those kids were out trick-or-treating for the second straight night!
From: Jackzilla Entered on: December 6, 2004 10:28 AM
Lucky little bastards!
From: BigFatty Entered on: December 6, 2004 10:56 AM
I remember doing that too. Ha! I'll take your warped christain halloween booty on Saturday AND Sunday. See, if it is un-Christain, moving it to Saturday doesn't make it less so!!!! You are still throwing your kids out it the spirit of the demons. Satan is around every corner to temp your little ones. Good thing you have the strength and conviction to change it to Saturday to thwart him Muhahahahahaha!  
Go thump your bibles!
From: Ross Entered on: December 6, 2004 12:05 PM
Except that's what Satan wants because the sabbath is ACTUALLY on Saturday anyway. But more power to the little chits for getting extra candy.  
And yeah Pat, my parents live in Plainfield Township. I didn't know it was such a churchy shithole when I lived there.
From: The Bone Entered on: December 6, 2004 6:00 PM
"churchy shithole" Hilarious!
From: Ross Entered on: December 8, 2004 8:29 AM
Anyone have the stones to put one of these on their cars? Somehow I think in GR at least you'd get more than a greasy paper plate stuck to your windshield:


From: Swerb Entered on: December 8, 2004 11:44 AM
What exactly does "IXOYE" mean, anyway?
From: Ross Entered on: December 8, 2004 12:51 PM
Here you go. This page has a lot of good info:
From: The Bone Entered on: December 8, 2004 10:16 PM
Hey Ross. Did you get that mp3 I sent you. It is MC Hawking's dis on creationist. If you received it, can you host it on JA for everyone to hear.
From: Ross Entered on: December 8, 2004 10:02 PM
It's fucking hilarious! Here it is for all:
From: The Bone Entered on: December 8, 2004 10:17 PM
My favorite line:  
"fucking punk ass creationists trying to set back scientific thought 400 years - fuck that!, if those superstitious motherfuckers want to have that kind of party I'm going to put my dick in the mashed potatoes"  
I love the ending too:  
"fucking creationists - fuck them!"
From: Swerb Entered on: December 10, 2004 8:49 PM
I find it very amusing how this discussion thread swayed from video games to movies to anti-creationism rants. Actually, they ALL seem to do that...  
Anyway, back to movies: I mentioned before an Official Swerb Review (TM) of Ocean's Twelve, so sink your teeth into this wealth of critical analysis if you dare (or care):

From: Ross Entered on: December 11, 2004 10:44 AM
I like how you threw in "goofballery" - who uses words like that? :)
From: The Bone Entered on: December 11, 2004 4:46 PM
I enjoyed the review Swerb. I'm waiting to see what you have to say about the Kinsey movie. You still reviewing it?
From: Swerb Entered on: December 13, 2004 9:29 PM
Yep, I'm reviewing Kinsey... I liked it quite a bit. Liam Neeson is really good, and so is Peter Sarsgaard (who was excellent in Garden State and Shattered Glass).  
What I found particularly revelatory about the movie is how Kinsey rebelled against oppressive, religious ideas about sex. He blamed Christians for permeating lies into our culture, and almost single-handedly smashed their arguments into dust with an onslaught of fact-based research. I find it quite ironic how that topic is still horrifyingly relevant, 50 or 60 years after Kinsey fought against it... in both the context of the Bush administration's bullshit promotion of abstinence-only sex education, and the whole "intelligent design" debate.  
And Bert, as for "goofballery," my editors are surprisingly lenient. They don't edit it out because it's just part of the Swerb Style. More reviews coming soon: Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events, Meet the Fockers (ugh) and The Life Aquatic... I saw The Aviator, and found it quite good. Even though it's not one of his best (I liked Gangs of New York better), Scorsese can do no wrong, really.
From: Swerb Entered on: December 17, 2004 11:36 PM
For interested parties, my Lemony Snicket review:

From: The Bone Entered on: December 18, 2004 12:06 AM
You got a knack for writing movie reviews. You're going to make it big someday, mark my words.  

From: Ross Entered on: December 18, 2004 2:26 PM
Very cool. Good review, I concur... but I'll wait for video on that one. Glad we have Swerb around to watch all these movies for us. :)
From: Swerb Entered on: December 20, 2004 12:00 PM
Here's a sneak preview of my best/worst movies list for 2004. Feel privileged that you guys get to see it almost two weeks before GR Press readers do. List subject to change, since I haven't seen The Life Aquatic, Meet the Fockers or the new Clint movie, Million Dollar Baby, yet (can't wait to see Clint teamed up with Morgan Freeman again...).  
The best...  
5. ?Kinsey?  
4. ?Kill Bill Vol. 2?  
3. ?Sideways?  
2. ?Spider-Man 2?  
1. ?Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?  
...and the worst  
5. ?Alexander?  
4. ?Catwoman?  
3. ?Godsend?  
2. ?Van Helsing?  
1. ?The Passion of the Christ?  
Should be fun to see all the p.o.'d letters to the editor about my worst pick...
From: Ross Entered on: December 20, 2004 12:08 PM
Awesome, I love it. Please keep a file for all your hate mail (and start a new JA thread) as I'm sure we'll love it.  
Hey, is Sideways playing in GR? I've heard nothing but stellar reviews. It's playing here but I have to rustle up Heather to see it and it might not be easy.  
I'm also going to see House of Flying Daggers in a few hours, I'll give my review when I get back tonight.
From: The Bone Entered on: December 20, 2004 4:32 PM
I LOVE IT!!!!111, I can't farking wait. I'm suprised THe Press will even let you get away with calling out Passion like that. You got journalistic cred my man.  
By the way, I hear Million Dollar Baby may possibly be better than Mystic River. You can count on Clint to put out a quality product. He is ranked among my favorite directors.
From: BigFatty Entered on: December 20, 2004 5:07 PM
I just watched Mystic River finally last night. It is one hell of a movie. I am with the Bone on this one.... I can't wait to see Clints next work even though I have no clue what it is about.  
Swerb - Dude, You are one sweet MoFo coming out like that. I hope you are unlisted!
From: The Bone Entered on: December 20, 2004 5:38 PM
Million Dollar Baby is about an old crusty boxing trainer (Eastwood) and his partner (Freeman) training a chick boxer (Hillary Swank). Should be good.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: December 20, 2004 6:49 PM
Here's what Bone and Bells hear when they read a description of Million Dollar Baby:

"Million Dollar Baby is about blah blah BOXING blah blah EASTWOOD blah blah blah BOXING blah blah blah CHICK BOXER blah blah."

Yes, they are both anxious to see it. :)

From: TallPat Entered on: December 20, 2004 7:05 PM
You are really asking for it Swerb. But.... I like it! (spoken like the guy in Robocop - Ross, you know what I'm talking about)  
I have only seen 2 of the top 5 so I have some movie watching to do.
From: The Bone Entered on: December 20, 2004 7:06 PM
Pretty much hit the nail on the head Jack.
From: Ross Entered on: December 20, 2004 7:53 PM
That's hilarious Jack. Even so, I do agree that Clint is sweet and so is boxing so I'm looking forward to it too.
From: Swerb Entered on: December 20, 2004 11:00 PM
Bert - yes, Sideways is playing here. I kind of had to limit my list to stuff that has played in G.R.; in fact, House of Flying Daggers and Million Dollar Baby don't open here until January, so they're potentially excluded for that reason. I can't wait to see HOFD - I'm jealous.  
I don't think my disgust for The Passion is anything new, to be honest. I wouldn't be surprised at all if it turned up on Jefchak and Douglas's worst-of lists - or many critics' lists, for that matter. But I think it'll still stir up the pot a bit. Besides, I'm not going to come out and say, "Hey, I'm a godless infidel, and I think this movie is a piece of shit!" It's a piece of shit for many, many more valid reasons than that.  
I will post links to my reviews of Kinsey and Meet the Fockers (massive turd alert!) when they're on the Press website Wednesday.  
Oh, and Tallpat: Robocop reference accepted with open arms. "Does it hurt? Does it hurt?"
From: TallPat Entered on: December 21, 2004 9:32 AM
I am disappointed to hear about Meet the Fockers . I really liked the first one.  
Oh well, rare is the sequel that lives up to the original.
From: Ross Entered on: December 21, 2004 10:22 AM
Oh yeah, I forgot my review of HoFD. Well, it was pretty good, as you might have guessed. I'd say I liked it about as much as Hero. (I didn't realize they were directed by the same guy). Hero had better and more interesting cinematography, but only by a bit - it's not fair since Hero had the coolest use of color EVER, as far as I can tell. This still had some really sweet backdrops for fights.  
The characters were awesome - that girl Zhang Ziyiyziyizyizyi is always awesome (and hot). The story is probably not as interesting (to me) as Hero (and certainly not as cool as Crouching Tiger's - more on that later) but it definitely keeps you watching.  
I did have some problems with it, though: there were too many lingering shots just showing off how cool the composition is. Also, I about OD'd on sweeping Chinese music. The movie tried to end about three times and it was a bit drawn out at the closing. But all in all, it's still a definite thumbs up.  
But here's what I don't get: how come Chinese audiences fucking LOVED Hero but shat upon Crouching Tiger? If I recall, at the time, the usual response was "We've seen stories like CTHD so many times, this is nothing new to us." Well, how is Hero any different? I found Crouching Tiger to be better than Hero or Flying Daggers, with a more engaging story, and certainly more interesting characters than Hero's at least.  
I need to go watch Crouching Tiger again, it's so damn good...
From: Jackzilla Entered on: December 21, 2004 10:33 AM
I have more evidence supporting the craptitude of Meet the Fockers: Angie's parents loved it (better than the first). They also loved The Postman (that Kevin Costner flop that no one else saw) and never understood my weird (bad) taste in movies (like my love of Fargo). In other words, they like I hate and i love they hate.  
Too bad, I really liked the first one too.
From: Swerb Entered on: December 22, 2004 12:44 PM
"State of the art bang bang!" (Just had to randomly throw in another Robocop reference.)  
OK, Bone wanted to see my Kinsey review, so here it is, in its somewhat editor-mangled glory:
And the long-awaited Meet the Fockers review:

From: TallPat Entered on: December 23, 2004 6:16 PM
I haven't read the reviews yet, but I did like the evolution references in today's Cheap Eats. Referring to a monkey-burger as cannabalism of our evolutionary cousins. Nice. It isn't easy, but Swerb managed to sneak some editorializing into Cheap Eats.  
And yes, I am a loyal Cheap Eats reader. Me and the monkeys.
From: BigFatty Entered on: December 23, 2004 6:20 PM
Bone, If a Fatty where wanting to call you, at what time would he normally find you receptive to phone calls (Hawaii Time)? I got a phone card and a land line, so I will be calling you in the near future. It has been a long time, friend.  
Oh, my new address and Hungarian Cell Phone number will be emailed out to you shortly. You will be able to call me without speaking Hungarian - I promise!!!
From: Swerb Entered on: December 24, 2004 9:37 AM
Y'all can read my sly editorializing (again, in slightly edited form... grrr) here:

From: Ross Entered on: December 24, 2004 10:24 AM
Nice job, Dr Swerbious. One would never know that you don't actually enjoy writing those things. Swerb, you are the last bastion of public sanity in Grand Rapids.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: December 24, 2004 11:36 AM
From: TallPat Entered on: December 24, 2004 11:59 AM
Whether he enjoys writing them or not, my family relies on Cheap Eats when making any decision on where to dine out.  
In fact, I would not be surprised to find myself driving to Rockford for hamburgers sometime in the next couple of weeks. :-)
From: Jackzilla Entered on: December 24, 2004 12:23 PM
Slerb - Have you ever written a video game review? I read some of these in national magazines (PSE2, Play, etc) and can't believe how poorly written they often are. You'd kick their asses!
From: BigFatty Entered on: December 24, 2004 5:44 PM
Swerb.... I might be lured back to GR if you can get the Press to back a GR Best Burger contest and me being a celebrity judge.  
OK I am coming back to GR anyway. But, I am always looking to scam some free food off the Press. I have always thought that would be a good story - Hell they did a Best Ribs a while ago. We'd have to add a third party to the panel, someone who likes tomatoes on their beef. Otherwise we'd not be reporting the full story.  
Run it by the editors, and get back to me. Oh, it needs to happen AFTER March.
From: BigFatty Entered on: December 30, 2004 5:22 PM
Swerb is not the only one that can write good movie reviews. Here is mine - I went to watch Touching the Void tonight. It is a film based on a true story of two dumbass yahoos that wanted to climb an unclimbable mountain in the Andes. They did it, but got fucked in the A-hole. It is an amazing survival story. Movie good.  
Well, maybe Swerb should be the official JA reviewer. Its a good movie none the less, shot documentary style. I didn't do too much research to see how true it is. I just saw Open Water last night. I liked that movie too, but this one is a bit better in my opinion.  
I am finding a lot of movies over here that just are not making it to the states. Many are banned because of content. I am looking forward to seeing one about an American student in France who hooks up with a French brother and sister to play hide the bagette. It also sounds like one of my home movies that must have gotten swiped! It has a naughty rating - so I am down for watching it soon.  
Fatz iz OUT!
From: Ross Entered on: December 30, 2004 6:12 PM
Oh yeah, isn't that one called "The Dreamers"? If so, I've seen it. Much nudity of a young hottie with big natural cans. Thumbs up.
From: BigFatty Entered on: December 31, 2004 6:00 AM
Yep, thats the one! It has the thumbs! Now I am more eager to see it. It seems the discription was accurate. It has a NC-17 rating so I am hoping for good cinematography.
From: Ross Entered on: December 31, 2004 1:02 PM
You won't be disappointed, my friend.
From: Swerb Entered on: January 16, 2005 9:36 PM
Saw House of Flying Daggers this weekend... and while some of the choreography and fight scenes (and photography, of course) were amazing, I found the movie a tad overdramatic. I didn't like it as much as Hero or Crouching Tiger, which is the best because it actually had some humor in it. Plus, the digital animation of the flying daggers and arrows in HoFD was a little bit hokey to my eyes, and I agree with Bert that the story wasn't as good... of course, I'm nitpicking needlessly, because it really is an amazing film, especially the "dance" scene with the drums - fucking awesome!  
I'm seeing Million Dollar Baby on Tues. night, so my comments will be forthcoming. Bert, isn't this playing in Chicago now? I'd be surprised if it wasn't.
From: Ross Entered on: January 16, 2005 11:04 PM
It is, in fact! I didn't even think to check, that's how shitty I am with going to the movies anymore. But since I have the day off tomorrow, I think I'll take in a showing!  
Just watched In Good Company. Decent. Performances were really good, story kind of left me wanting more. Pretty much what you said.
From: Swerb Entered on: January 16, 2005 11:19 PM
Oh, and I have to second Fatty's notion about Touching the Void - watched it last week, and it's quite riveting. I give it the thumbs!  
I also just got Elmer Gantry from Netflix. Looking forward to following Creeko's suggestion.  
The thing I liked most about In Good Company was... Scarlett Johansson. Mmmm. The scene where she seduces Topher Grace made me feel a bit warm and tingly - or am I just nuts?
From: Creeko Entered on: January 17, 2005 7:57 AM
I hope I didn't spoil the ending for you, Swerb. I look forward to the official Swerbview.
From: Swerb Entered on: January 18, 2005 11:24 PM
Bert, did you see Million Dollar Baby yet? I just got home from seeing it, and it's really fucking good. Not Unforgiven good, but pretty close. It's superb, and all the praise it's getting from critics is well deserved. I'm loathe to say much more because I don't want to ruin it, but it's basic, no-bullshit storytelling in classic Clint style. He, Hilary Swank and Morgan Freeman are amazing in it. I was totally submerged in the movie... one of those times when, after the movie's over, you walk out and feel like you just left a sensory deprivation tank. If you already didn't know, Clint is a genius, no denying it. Mystic River was good, and MDB is in a similar style, but it's so affecting, it'll really stick with you. If one were to judge movies by how well they rip your heart and your guts out, this would be deemed a masterpiece. Wow.
From: The Bone Entered on: January 19, 2005 12:40 AM
Damn you Hawaii - they aren't showing it here. Fuck!
From: Ross Entered on: January 19, 2005 7:07 AM
I didn't get to see it, but now I want to more than ever. I'm there, ASAP.
From: Ross Entered on: January 23, 2005 9:20 AM
I saw Million Dollar Baby last night. Now, Swerb, when you said that it's not as good as Unforgiven good but pretty fucking close, I was pretty skeptical. But I'm here to say that you weren't playing around. This movie was so fucking good I could barely stand it. In my opinion it blew away Mystic River, too.  
Also, did you notice the music was very similar to the opening and closing credits of Unforgiven? I did - that's why I looked it up and was pleased to see that Clint himself composed both.  
You were right about it sticking with you, too. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Even when I went and watched Finding Neverland right after (which was also quite good, don't get me wrong), I still couldn't stop thinking about MDB. Thumbs way up.
From: Swerb Entered on: January 23, 2005 12:04 PM
Funny thing is, the morning after I saw MDB, I woke up about two hours before my alarm went off, and the movie was the first thing that popped into my head - and I couldn't go back to sleep. It's quite haunting...  
Fuck, I'm going to go watch Unforgiven right NOW, because Clint is such a genius. And yeah, he's the master of writing minimalist, but very affecting, movie scores.
From: The Bone Entered on: January 23, 2005 3:44 PM
MDB is finally going to be shown in Honolulu next weekend. I can't wait. It's a pretty stank situation when you live in a city with a population of nearly 1 million and you have to wait until the rest of America thinks this movie is a winner before you can see it. How fornicated is that?
From: Creeko Entered on: January 24, 2005 8:44 AM
Pretty stanky, but not as stanky as living in Spain - where movies come out months later and their in some fucked-up Spanish jibberish. So I have to wait an additional who-knows-how-long before it comes out on DVD to see it as it was meant to be seen.
From: The Bone Entered on: January 24, 2005 9:02 AM
At least the taccos are good.
From: The Bone Entered on: January 28, 2005 11:16 PM
I just got back from watching Million Dollar Baby. What a powerful movie. Clint and Freeman work so well together. Hillary Swank ought to get best actress. I don't know who is in the running but she was very good. As a director, Clint is top 3 in my book. In fact, Clint just might be the sweetest human being period. Damn this was a great flick. If Clint had killed a few people it would have rivaled Unforgiven.
From: Swerb Entered on: January 29, 2005 12:14 AM
Here's my "official" take on MDB:
And my review of that new piece of shit Robert De Niro movie (with my usual disclaimer that I don't write the headlines, especially those featuring typos):

From: The Bone Entered on: January 29, 2005 12:52 AM
I can relate to the last bit about coming out of the movie feeling like you were in a sensory deprivation tank. It forced you to be alone with your thoughts. Good review.
From: Swerb Entered on: January 30, 2005 11:30 PM
What really chafes my buttocks, though, is how right-wing assholes have turned MDB into an "issue" movie. If you haven't seen the movie yet, don't read this, or it'll ruin it:
Bert, I know you think Ebert is a moron, but I believe he makes some valid points in this essay.
From: Swerb Entered on: January 30, 2005 11:42 PM
Actually, this is even better than Ebert's column:
I don't think I'm seeing any kind of "agenda" behind Clint's film - it's just a story, period - but I do agree with this guy, and disagree with Ebert that Frankie's priest is at all wise or helpful. In fact, I think he's shaded somewhat negatively in the film... just curious to see what Bone and Bert think of all this.
From: Ross Entered on: January 31, 2005 9:31 AM
Thank you, Swerb, for pointing those columns out to me. I have since amended my position on Ebert. For more traditional movies like MDB, Ebert tends to shoot pretty straight, and when it comes to this ludicrous controversy he's clearly speaking as the voice of reason.  
SPOILER ALERT - if you haven't seen the movie, come back after you have.  
I cannot overstate how utterly insane anyone who is attacking this film for promoting right-to-die ideology or being anti-disabled people. How badly must you be looking for a fight to pick on this?  
First off, I simply can't understand anyone who is against people's right to die. I say, if someone wants to blow their brains out while watching TV one night, that is entirely up to them. I think David Cross said it best in his "The Pride is Back" routine, where he played out a fictional dialogue between a bedridden person who wants to die and a self-righteous bible-thumper from Georgia. Paraphrasing:  
"Every waking moment I'm in horrible pain, I've been reduced to a human shit-and-piss factory. I just want to die with dignity."  
"Umm... no. Sorry."  
"Wha-- why not?"  
"Well, because of the Bible..."  
"But... I don't believe in that!"  
"Well, I do, silly!"  
That's really an accurate distillation of the debate, in my mind. If you dont' have the right to take your own life, you don't have the right to do ANYTHING. What kind of fucked up individual would try to impose their own highly subjective value system on someone else like that?  
Anyway, as for the priest in the movie, I can only comment on how I viewed him given my general outlook toward religion: I definitely saw the priest as ineffectual. First of all, I loved the fact that Clint would challenge dogma and the priest would get pissed off. I have no respect for someone like that - who is asking you to have faith in something without giving any reasons at all, rather being impatient. Now maybe his short temper was an artifact of his relationship with Frankie but still, I thought clergy were supposed to be above that.  
Also, obviously, the fact that Clint made the torturous decision to end Maggie's life after much deliberation and soul searching, while the priest just spouts the usual line, shows - to me - that Clint agrees that religion is incapable of these kinds of nuanced decisions, and that it's up to us to figure these things out for ourselves. For them, it's all about the cosmic rulebook, that obviously applies to every conceivable situation. Which is, of course, a load of shit.  
So to Michael Medved and Rush Limbaugh: fuck you, you slimy bastards, for attacking a wonderful film only to try to further your careers and tell your right-wing dipshit audiences just what they want to hear.
From: The Bone Entered on: January 31, 2005 10:19 AM
Well said Bert.  
I thought the priest came off as a caring and well meaning character who could come up with nothing but the same old tired, worn out party line when Frankie was struggling with his decision. As Bert said, "ineffectual".  
One of the primary reason I hate Christians so much is that they try to impose thier morals and beliefs on everyone. The fact that they view life as a gift from God that only God can take away is absurd. They certainly have no problem interfering with "God's will" when someone is sick or injured to the point where man made machines are the only thing preventing death.  
As for the disability groups that oppose the film. Fuck them. If they want to roll around paralyzed I support it and admire thier courage but don't tell me what to do if I ever become paralyzed. I'd end it in a heartbeat if I wher in the Maggie's shoes. That's my right.  
As for Medved - fuck that asshole!
From: Ross Entered on: January 31, 2005 10:38 AM
Excellent point, Bone: I didn't even think of the fact that it's MAN, not GOD keeping someone like Maggie alive. Life and death decisions are already being made by the people who fixed her up and continue to keep her alive. So OF COURSE we have every right to make decisions either way.  
How anyone can dispute that religion invariably serves to confuse, not clarify moral issues is quite beyond me.
From: BigFatty Entered on: January 31, 2005 1:41 PM
Ok - I thank you guys for the SPOILER ALERTS!!! Each post should highlight it. I am not sure when I will get to see this movie, but as it is now, it is one of the things in life I am looking forward too. I want to see it fresh!

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