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POOP DEFCON - a users guide
Entered on: April 16, 2003 10:00 PM by The Bone
Defcon 5 - A normal bowel readiness condition that can be sustained indefinately and represents an optimum balance between knowledge of shitter location and the ability to access them if tension escalates.  
Defcon 4 - A bowel readiness condition requiring increased watch and a continuing analysis of the gastric situation. Plans are reviewed for locating and accessing shitters based on the above analysis, modifications are made or new plans are formulated, as required. Appropriate sidekicks are notified are kept informed of the developing situation so they are at notice to render assistance should it be necessary. Every effort should be made to insure the actions taken do not cause public speculation on the impending boot.  
Defcon 3 - A bowel readiness condition requiring an increased readiness above that of normal readiness. Generally, the individual is on high alert and shall make every effort to seek and utilize a shitter of appropriate cleanliness. Public awareness should be kept at a minimum. Timeline should be established with a clear goal of shitting. Time to shit will be known as ""Boot time".  
Defcon 2 - A bowel readiness condition requiring a further increase in access to shitter location. Boot time is near. Cleanliness of the shitter is falling rapidly as a priority. Accessability is rising as the priority. Individual should be on a clear and precise course to the nearest shitter. Sidekicks shall assist as required.  
Defcon 1 - Holy Shit!!! It's fuckin time. Boot time is on hand and the individual should b within seconds of reaching a shitter regardless of public outcry or shitter cleanliness. The alternative is to shit your pants.

NEWS 16 - 55 Comments
From: Ross Entered on: April 16, 2003 10:34 PM
Wait - isn't this backwards from Fatty's scale?
From: The Bone Entered on: April 16, 2003 11:59 PM
This in fact is backwards from Fatty's scale. However this is an accordance with the National Defense Condition posture guidlines established by the Joint Chiefs of Staff. I figured I should correct Fatty's scale to mirror reality. Also, it establishes a standardized format for any individual to respond to the threat of shitting himself.
From: BigFatty Entered on: April 17, 2003 10:31 AM
The Joint Chiefs of Staff are full of shit and are idoits! I will not bow down and let the Man give it to me! My scale is sweeter! The number one meaning first or giving top priority. I understand their logic - one being smallest - so DEFCON 1 being the smallest threat. The user MUST know the scale goes to 5. I figure most people relate scales from 1 to 10. On my scale, any dumbass can figure out the urgency when the intensity increases from 3 to 2. How will they know you are about about to shit yourself if the intensity increases from 3 to 4 when most people expect scales go up to 10? The Chiefs can jointly suck my staff! They are Bullshit!
From: BigFatty Entered on: April 17, 2003 10:31 AM
I do like your descriptions though!
From: The Bone Entered on: April 17, 2003 11:06 AM
I don't understand what the fuck it is you are saying. Your whole arguements supports the scale I have set forth. You are right, Defcon 1 does mean mean the number one has first priority. Its a simple concept. Just press the "I believe" button and accept it.
From: John Entered on: April 17, 2003 11:16 AM
I to am confused by Fatties argument, perhaps he has "lost his mind". Come to think of it, there were mumblings of his conversion to christianity the other day.
From: BigFatty Entered on: April 17, 2003 12:53 PM
Please ignore my last comment. I have been off my rocker the last few months. I am now back on my medications! Yesterday, I drove one block from my house and didn't know where the fuck I was. So, yes I did lose my mind! The hypertension was causing temporary blackouts. I owe all my thanks to Jesus, for loving him is the only path BEE-YOCH!  
But I still stand by The Chiefs can jointly suck my staff! They are Bullshit!  

From: John Entered on: April 18, 2003 7:03 AM
I seem to recall a time we were both out in my black Trans Am when the Bone announced he had to shit bad. We were driving along at a normal rate of speed and at this point I underestimated the urgency which must have been at Defcon 2. The Bone sharply informed me, "Surely this car can go faster than this", finally I began to understand how dire his urge to shit was. I immdiately began to speed up and at the Bone's further prompting we were traveling at a tremendous rate. When I pulled in front of his house, The Bone quickly ejected himself from the vehicle and made a mad dash for the house. At this point I believe he was at Defcon 1. He later mentioned that he had nearly shit himself upon entering his home.
From: Ross Entered on: April 18, 2003 9:05 AM
If only the Defcon system had been properly developed at that point in time, disaster could have been averted much more comfortably...
From: The Bone Entered on: April 18, 2003 11:09 AM
I dont even think I shut the door of the Tans Am or even said good bye to Roche. I just ran. Shit started to happen as my trousers came down, before my cheeks even touched the toilet. Luckily the bung was aimed down the throat of the crapper. It was real close.
From: BigFatty Entered on: April 18, 2003 12:45 PM
One time Tony and I went out to eat at some grease spoon. While driving back to my house in Walker, we discovered we were both running through the DEFCON stages. My house at the time only had one shitter! In the ultimate showing of friendship and respect, we negotiated a shitting strategy. We knew it could mean one of us could shit ourselves. We put our trust into one another and discussed whos need was more dire. It was determined Tony's DEFCON alert was more advanced. We negotiated that he would go in first, shit out the initial wave, flush, and clear the way for me. We then would re-evaluate our shitting order. Our plan worked! While a bit stinky, both of us made it through that day. From that day forward, a bond was formed between us that not many share. Few people have faced adversity were it was your friend who lead you through the delicate balance of living or shitting yourself.
From: Ross Entered on: April 19, 2003 9:40 AM
This is an instant classic. I've never heard it. What a tale of friendship and sacrifice!
From: Swerb Entered on: April 21, 2003 12:49 AM
Two shitting stories today that must be shared:  
First, some fellow Aquinas College students and I went to Friday's for dinner one evening and literally gorged ourselves. Myself, I ate a chicken breast dinner smothered with cheese and mushrooms, a half-order of potato skins and a slice of deathly rockslide pie on top of it all - I ate so much it hurt. The pie, which we all crammed down, was beyond excessive; if anyone has ever had rockslide pie from Friday's, you know that it's so dense, you need to chase it with water because it sucks all the moisture out of your mouth. (You think I'm exaggerating...) Anyway, we finish, go out to the car, and realize that my friend Curt is not present. My friend Maureen walks out of the restaurant and, when asked if she knows where Curt is, she responds nonchalantly, "He said he had to go crack some porcelain." The joke eventually evolved to the theoretical sound of rockslide pie hitting the porcelain: "Plink, plink, plink."  
Story two: So one time my friend Josh and I are visiting the Clock restaurant on Alpine Ave., and listed on the menu is the "British Burger" - a cheeseburger with a fried egg in it. Heinous, yes. So Josh orders it knowing full well the meal would push any leftovers in his bowels to DEFCON 1 status. Needless to say, this is the only time I've witnessed someone get up HALFWAY through his meal to crack some porcelain - and then come back and finish. I never got a final report on how greasy the turd was when the British Burger was fully processed, but I can't say it was recommended...
From: Ross Entered on: April 21, 2003 8:25 AM
What about the nuclear sub story?
From: BigFatty Entered on: April 21, 2003 12:19 PM
For some reason at Olive Garden it is standard operating procedure for me to shit halfway through the meal, then return to finish. I find I can fit desert in that way.
From: The Bone Entered on: April 21, 2003 12:59 PM
Whenever I take a dump halfway through a meal, I feel as though the universe is out of balance. Something is fundamentally wrong, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
From: The Bone Entered on: April 21, 2003 2:50 PM
Also, one interesting thing to add. The other day I was taking and afternoon dookie which is sometimes the case when I drink a little coffee in the afternoon. The turd wasn't particularly big, but is was kind dry and required a little effort to plop it out. All of a sudden, my sphincter started to cramp up. I mean waves of fierce contractions. Holy shit! It was grueling. I was almost in tears it hurt so bad. My mind desperately raced to find a solution to the problem. The only viable solution I came to was to wait it out. Finally, it passed, but man was I sore for about an hour after. I don't know what exactly brought it about but I hope it doesn't happen again.
From: Ross Entered on: April 21, 2003 8:05 PM
That's a new one for me. The only times shitting causes me pain is either a) my ass is raw from too-frequent trips or b) after eating spicy food. I once was at work shitting and had forgotten that I ate a spicy burritto the night before. The pain was so intense that I almost started laughing in the stall at the sheer absurdity of the notion that a shit could be so painful.
From: Swerb Entered on: April 23, 2003 9:55 AM
The first couple of days of taking Ultra Cleanse pills, my ass hurt from multiple trips and too much wiping. It got to the point where I wanted to forego wiping, and just take a shower to clean up. Plus, once the Ultra Cleanse scours your bowels and any leftover shit that's been clogging your colon for weeks is discharged, you'll realize that the pills actually contain vegetable matter. In other words, once in a while, you'll take a dump, and leaves and twigs are floating in the bowl. That kinda hurts, too.
From: BigFatty Entered on: April 23, 2003 11:29 AM
Swerb - I highly recommend the use of flushable wet wipes, available at your local grocer. You think your ass is clean with dry paper? WRONG!!!! The wet ones will show you the difference. They clean up that last bit of brown residue. Plus, they are all so soothing with a touch of aloe! Get some! You won't be sorry!
From: The Bone Entered on: April 23, 2003 5:18 PM
I'm thinking about doing a colon blow using Ultra Cleanse or similar product as a way to kick off my Zone program. I've heard that you store a lot of caked on shit along the lining of your colon - somtimes even years old, although I find that hard to believe. Anyway, I'm all about scouring my bowels for leftover shit.
From: John Entered on: April 24, 2003 12:35 PM
Swerb - I too must concur with Bigfatty's assertion that the wet wipes are a must for ass hygiene. You simply cannot be fresh after a shit (save for a shower) without this refreshing product. And who can argue with the soothing effect aloe has on the bunghole! Get some! You won't be sorry!
From: John Entered on: April 24, 2003 1:12 PM
I would also like to say that the importance of ass hygiene cannot be overstated. The "Ass, Feet and Balls" law applies here. Ass is surly the epicenter of stench production. While balls can get musty and feet (for some people, not I) can be downright putrid, ass with the right combo of shit and sweat is hard to surpass for sheer stench. Bert metioned to me that a nasty shit and a little heat and humidity are all that's required for an oderiferous event. Note the order of "Ass, Feet and Ball's", priority was the impetus for this. Wet wipe's can be a strong defense against swamp ass. In conclusion, I must urge you to go to the store and invest in your ass hygiene.
From: Ross Entered on: April 24, 2003 7:41 PM
I'm sold!  
Let us now pass into a new era - an era free of fear from a swampy bunghole and the stigma it brings. Let us enter a time where we can move freely in life regardless of the time or severity of our last fecal expulsion! Let our asses be minty fresh from now till eternity!  
Long Live Wet Wipes!  
Also, here are some other good resources to aid in our cause:  
Serba's recommended aid:  
And finally, a book on the topic we all know and love:

From: Jackzilla Entered on: April 25, 2003 10:01 AM
Can there not be a happy medium? Will I be looked down upon if my ass doesn't smell like Pep-O-Mint? I will forever remain somewhere between "doesn't wipe his own ass" and "minty fresh ass".  

From: Swerb Entered on: April 26, 2003 11:41 PM
Um, has yet to be registered...  
Zilla brings up an interesting debate: How much ass care is too much? The only person I know who took such hygenic interest in his rectum was, how shall I put it, gay. I think Wet Wipes and the occasional Ultra Cleanse purge is as far as I'm gonna go. Let's just say the occasional swamp ass makes me feel content in my heterosexuality.
From: Ross Entered on: February 28, 2005 4:10 PM
This is truly sad news. Wet wipes are not catching on in this country:
and the accompanying analysis:

From: BigFatty Entered on: February 28, 2005 4:28 PM
People who dis the wet wipes are idiots! Dry paper by no means gets the job done. But it sounds like the 'tub' of wipes will still be around. It is just the wet roller that is being shit canned. What to you expect when you test market it in the South - It is not called the Dirty South for nothing!
From: The Bone Entered on: February 28, 2005 10:14 PM
Hey Fatty, do you get wet wipe juice, mixed with shit, on your balls with your sweet wiping technique?
From: Jackzilla Entered on: February 28, 2005 10:38 PM
Fatty apparently knows no shame with his public endorsement of a dubious-at-best ass-wiping technique.  
Grab some dry tissue and wipe your ass like a man, goddammit! Do you think Clint Eastwood uses wet wipes and reaches underneath his legs and wipes shit onto his sacks? Hell no! Get your house in order, Fatty, and quit that shameful, silly-ass, gay fancy-boy style! Or at least keep that shit to yourself! You'll get no recruits here on JA!
From: BigFatty Entered on: March 1, 2005 4:58 AM
This has been discussed before. The proper way is to go in with the dry and clean up as best you can. You then head in with the wet ones. No matter how clean you think you are with the dry, the wets always prove you wrong - the proof is in the paper my friends. Then a quick wipe with a dry to dry things up and you are in business with a clean ass, balls, back, what have you. Those who think that is too much work are dirty, shit-mongers.
From: The Bone Entered on: July 19, 2007 12:23 AM
I ordered my Colon Blow today. With marketing like this , how could I resist. I even got the T-Shirt combo pack.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: July 19, 2007 7:32 AM
Wasn't Colon Blow a fake commercial on SNL years ago?  I sure hope that's a high quality T-shirt.  Poopin' is cool.  But poopin' is free too!  Got problems?  Eat an apple!
From: Ross Entered on: July 19, 2007 8:05 AM

Didn't Penn and Teller do a Bullshit episode on stuff like this?  In particular, this blurb from their website sounds like pure quackery:

We like to illustrate it this way.  Imagine taking a straw, dipping it in melted butter and extracting it, allowing the butter to harden.  Then repeat that step over and over again.  After awhile, if you looked through the inside of that straw, over time, it would become more and more constricted by the build-up of layers.  In a similar way, the same could be happening to our colon.  Over time, the build up of the mucus the body naturally uses and our own waste can result in the same constriction or limitation.  If that makes sense to you, now think about how may meals you eat in a day, probably 3+ including snacks, and compare that to the number of releases ( a nice way of saying really good poops ) in the same day.  Good questions isn't it.  Some of us go maybe once a day or less.  So do the math, 3+ meals a day and one release or less in the same day.  That unaccounted for balance is what we like to call long-term waste.

From: The Bone Entered on: July 19, 2007 10:03 AM
Yeah it's pure quakery but my friend tried it and he knocked out 4 sizeable  turds the next day. Each weirder looking than the last. We'll see, it's only 30 bucks and such a stylish t-shirt. How can you afford no to? 
From: NickNick Entered on: July 19, 2007 11:40 AM
Jackzilla said:
Wasn't Colon Blow a fake commercial on SNL years ago?  I sure hope that's a high quality T-shirt.  Poopin' is cool.  But poopin' is free too!  Got problems?  Eat an apple!
I believe, good sirs, that Colonblow was used in Van Wilder against the preppy kid when he shat into a trash can.

From: Radmobile Entered on: July 19, 2007 2:29 PM
I seem to recall Phil Hartman sitting on a pyramid of cereal bowls.
From: The Bone Entered on: July 20, 2007 9:35 PM
I'll chronicle my Colon Blow experiment when it comes in but for now I wanted to share with you a catchy little tune I plan to use as my Colon Blow them song, "Chocolate Rain " by Tay Zonday. I can't get the tune out of my head but it has great lyrics.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: July 20, 2007 7:38 AM
From: The Bone Entered on: July 20, 2007 9:35 PM
Jack, just think what prince missed out on with Purple Rain.
From: The Bone Entered on: July 20, 2007 9:45 PM
Besides, who needs TV when you can watch 1500 Philippino prison inmates doing Thriller on Youtube?
From: Ross Entered on: July 21, 2007 8:51 AM
That is seriously amazing.  You know you could never get American inmates to do anything that complicated.

From: BigFatty Entered on: July 21, 2007 1:22 PM

You know what these products don't show??  Frickin colonoscopy pics from before and after.  The before pics would hardly show layers thick of poop caking the walls.  Was your buddy's 'weird' poop hollow?  This would actually prove to me that this shit works.  I've seen my colon pics - thank you.  It is clean and healthy looking.  Granted, you do a colon cleansing routine, but if there was caked shit in there, it would have stayed in.  I am betting that this colon blow shit is BS and it just might block the food you are eating from digesting properly and having it all come out with your shit.

I am on the opposite bandwagon - I am trying to add 'healthy bacteria' to my colon, not trying to flush everything out!  This probiotics might be BS too, but I don't think it is as unhealthy as these colon cleansing ideas.

Still, I don't doubt it will make you have a big shit.  Knowing the Bone's affection for big dumps, I am awaiting his report.

From: Ross Entered on: July 21, 2007 3:46 PM

From what I've heard, probiotics are only necessary after you've had something that would kill off your normal supply of digestive bacteria, like, say, food poisoning or some other malady that causes excessive vomiting.  I used to hear a lot about eating various types of yogurt for that reason but most of the shit I've read has indicated that it's not necessary.

If you want big dumps, I don't think you're going to beat Metamucil.  In fact, it might work too well.  I seem to have developed a dependency on it - if I don't take it religiously, twice a day, I'll start to have shits that defy description in terms of their consistency and excessive residue.  So I'm sticking with the approach that has stood the test of time: psyllium husks.  

From: The Bone Entered on: July 22, 2007 2:15 AM
All Colon Blow is is a souped up version of metamucil. A little more anal violence shall we say.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: July 22, 2007 10:31 AM
Bone - It's always about the Anal Violence with you, isn't it?

From: The Bone Entered on: July 23, 2007 12:01 AM
That and butt shows.

From: Jackzilla Entered on: July 29, 2007 6:41 PM

Chocolate Rain parody (which really is redundant, I s'pose) 

click here

From: The Bone Entered on: July 29, 2007 6:28 PM

So here's my Colon Blow review:


Day 1 - I skipped dinner as directed and took the powder and capsules. It didn't really bother me missing my meal at the powder has so much bulk to it when mixed in water, I felt full. Taste was mildy unpleasant but not a showstopper.


Day 2 - had my morning coffee folloed by a regular boot. Skipped breakfast and had another packet of powder and capsules. Around lunch time I was hungry as fuck seeing as how it had been 24 hrs since my last meal. I decided to workout anyways as is my habbit. Kinda a mistake. The workout went well but I ended up with a massive headache and very low bloodsuger folowing. I skipped my third meal and took the last packet and capsule combo.


By this time I started to feel a little rumble in the jungle. I went to the john and instead of fireworks, i had a couple dense, black as tar nuggets.


I had a few more dry, compact turds throughout the day but nothing substantial. Although, one of my movements consisted of an armada of baby carrot sized turds. Maybe 15 in all. It was very bizarre. 


Day 3 - back to standard mud. All in all, I think I'll skip the other two kits I have. This is probably better for someone who is chronicy constipated. I  expel waste frequently so I don't think I have any stoways.


I am curious about the Metamucil plan. Those in the know - do you have a solid every day? I'd really like to drop one big dry log every day and call it a show. As it stands, you never know what I'm going to get. 

From: The Bone Entered on: July 29, 2007 6:29 PM
Oh and Zilla, your link doesn't work for me.

From: Jackzilla Entered on: July 29, 2007 6:42 PM
Bone - Try the link now!

From: Ross Entered on: July 29, 2007 7:32 PM

Metamucil typically gives me 1 or 2 big, solid (or as Hirsch describes, "light and fluffy") shits a day.  But like I said before, I have to be pretty consistent in taking it as the effects wear off almost immediately.  

I also recommend the original orange flavor over the newer "berry burst", which at first blush seems to taste better but I don't like it as much since it's much stronger tasting - I'd rather just suck it down quick and not worry about the taste. 

From: Radmobile Entered on: September 13, 2007 11:45 AM
There's an absurd chocolate rain parody starring Darth Vader here.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: September 13, 2007 11:56 AM
I love the camera shot of Vader playing the keys!
From: Ross Entered on: September 13, 2007 2:16 PM

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