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NEWS 154 - 14 Comments
From: Ross Entered on: December 12, 2003 9:24 PM
This isn't much of a story without the article. Let's hope Swerb can use his powers to give it to the little people. I should have told you to secretly add tomatoes to Fatty's meal - forget Atkins, spiking Fatty's grub with the t-word would cause some weight loss right quick.
From: BigFatty Entered on: December 13, 2003 3:10 PM
Funny - my burritos did come with those tangy tormentors of mine. I forgot burritos came with them. So my free grub was not as enjoyable as it could have been. They were too hard to pick out :(
From: Ross Entered on: December 13, 2003 3:45 PM
For those who weren't there, this is my favorite Taco Bell dialogue:     Taco Bell Girl (TBG): Can I help you, sir?   Will: I'll have 2 soft tacos, no tomatoes.   TBG: They don't come with tomatoes, sir.   Will: Yeah, no tomatoes.   John: Whaddaya mean, you don't like tomatoes?!
From: John Entered on: December 23, 2003 2:49 PM
HAHA, I remember that, was that the same time Fatty got a steak burrito and sent it back because it had tomatoes? When he sent it back it was fat and juicy but when it retuned it was scrawny and dry.
From: Ross Entered on: December 25, 2003 10:51 AM
I love it. Serves his non-tomato-eating-ass right.
From: The Bone Entered on: December 25, 2003 12:34 PM
You never send shit back, ever. Not only did it come back scrawny and dry, it also had pubes and cockroach legs in it as well.
From: John Entered on: December 26, 2003 3:44 AM
That's right, Bone and maybe a few boogers just for good measure.
From: Swerb Entered on: December 29, 2003 12:29 PM
Once again, I will never win the Pulitzer for this column (after five years of writing it, it's tiresome at best), but here, after much delay, are the adventures of Swerb, BigFatty and Jackzilla...     Regular readers of this column may remember a recent Cheap Eats excursion relating my eating adventures with a man/legend named BigFatty.   BigFatty, as you may recall, had modified the popular diet The Zone into The Loading Zone, which promotes the consumption of large amounts of politically incorrect foods during a single sitting. Well, Fatty's newest dieting creation is appropriately dubbed The Fatkins Diet, a takeoff of the trendy, anti-carbs Atkins Diet.   We decided to put the new diet to the test while I treated him and our friend, Jack(zilla), a fellow Fatkins devotee, to lunch at new Mexican eatery Casa Martina.   We wandered up to the counter and perused the menu. Fatty opted for the daily special: Two dry beef-and-bean burritos for $5.50. Jack dove into a wet chicken burrito for $6.95, while I chose Mexican sausage quesadillas ($4.50) and a beef hardshell taco ($2) off the a la carte menu. Coincidentally, all three of us don't like tomatoes, so we ordered our meals sans the yicky red vegetable (or is it a fruit? I can never remember).   As luck would have it, the cook messed up my order in my favor. Instead of one taco, I was given the three-taco platter with beans and rice, as well as my quesadilla. My eyes widened when all that food was placed in front of me, because the Fatkins diet would really be put to the test.   Jack(zilla) gleefully devoured his burrito -- which was about the size of a small meatloaf, or maybe half a football, smothered with cheese and sauce -- like, um, a big monster stomping on Tokyo. The menu boasts that the wet burrito sauce is an original recipe by Casa Martina's owner, Martin Morales.   Fatty, disappointingly, chowed one of his burritos, packed dense with meat, beans, cheese and all the fixins, declared himself full and asked for a to-go box. I'm pretty sure the Fatkins Handbook outlaws the use of doggie bags and the like -- although the three of us agreed $5.50 for two big burritos was a good deal.   I hammered down my quesadillas, crunched one taco, offered the other two to my guests, but they declined, so I ate a second taco, then (hic) sampled the rice and beans.   The third taco, cold and alone, did not get eaten, despite the deliciousness of its two brethren. The sausage (or, in Spanish, chorizo) in my quesadillas had plenty of zing (it also left little puddles of orange grease on my plate), so if you order them, have plenty of beverage to wash it down (sodas, by the way, are $1.30).   The rest of Casa Martina's menu is filled with the basics of Mexican fare: enchiladas, tostadas, nachos, tortas and others, available a la carte or with a dinner platter (which range in price from $6 to $6.95).   My meal was gut-bust-errific, most likely satisfactory by Fatkins standards. We stopped short of before-and-after waist measurements (perhaps for our next lunch excursion), but we certainly felt heavier when we left the eatery.
From: The Bone Entered on: December 30, 2003 6:17 AM
You don't like tomatos? Tomatos are good!
From: Ross Entered on: December 31, 2003 8:17 AM
I can't believe they pay you for this, man. :)
From: Swerb Entered on: December 31, 2003 11:36 AM
Ross, I don't know if you're commenting on the quality of the article (it is admittedly poor, written in a hurry and with little enthusiasm, because I'm really burned out on writing that column), the fact that people actually READ this stuff or simply because eating a sandwich and writing about it is a "skill" worthy of a decent salary... :)
From: Ross Entered on: December 31, 2003 12:05 PM
Basically just the fact that you can go out to lunch on their dime (with friends in tow), eat like an asshole, describe it in gruesome detail, and they pay you for it.
From: BigFatty Entered on: January 2, 2004 4:43 AM
Shit negro - I'm not complaining! If I was in GR, I'd firgure out a way to ghost write for Swerb. Give him a rest whilst I eat goodies on the Press' dime!
From: Ross Entered on: January 2, 2004 11:18 AM
Mayhap you can commission the GR Press to do a Travelling Fat Man column. Expand the horizons of the constituents of Bland Vapids.