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NEWS 137 - 32 Comments
From: Ross Entered on: November 4, 2003 11:34 PM
At last! We have official scientific confirmation of the inferiority of the Fatty Wiping Technique! Get on the bus Fatty, join us cool kids and get your shithole clean for a change.
From: Creeko Entered on: November 5, 2003 8:39 AM
I too use the back to front wiping tecnique (must be a family thing) and you can be damn sure that there is no shit residue anywhere near my nuts. 30 years of experienceof wipping my own ass has afforded me the proper skills to do so correctly. I'll take the white glove test any day and I bet my left nut that my shit comes clean!
From: The Bone Entered on: November 5, 2003 9:20 AM
Ha Ha. So you think. Then why would women get urinary tract infections? We've already established that no matter how clean you think your bung is after wiping there is still some residue. Take a wet wipe after your white glove test and see. Now the visible matter on your nuts may be too small to see but be assured, you have fecal matter on your nuts even as you read this.
From: Ross Entered on: November 5, 2003 1:38 PM
Gives a whole new meaning to "nut butter."
From: Creeko Entered on: November 5, 2003 1:45 PM
What do you think, I smear fecal matter around my crotch? Well, no! I skillfully eliminate all residue with my careful wiping action. Followed up with a wet towel to sanitse the bung hole area. My arse is so clean I wouldn't hesitate to lick my own spice (If I could).
From: The Bone Entered on: November 5, 2003 2:07 PM
Yes, in fact I do think you smear fecal matter around your crotch, as do most doctors who state that the back to front method is unsanitary and poor hygeine.
From: Ross Entered on: November 5, 2003 2:28 PM
If smearing fecal matter around my crotch is wrong... well... I don't want to be wrong. I'll take my tried-and-true front-to-back formula any day. Perhaps I'll market a video on proper sanitary technique for all you effiminate girl-wipers.
From: The Bone Entered on: November 5, 2003 2:50 PM
Notice back to front is predominantly a Heiss method. Very strange.
From: BigFatty Entered on: November 6, 2003 10:00 PM
Yes - when I wipe, I drag the paper across my ass, up over my balls, up my shaft, and over the belly, for a nice complete stroke. I know the stroke is effective because at the end the paper is residue free! All the shit is wiped off the paper and across my body.     Fine, I have shit on my balls. You have shit on your back. We both have shit on our bodies after we wipe. What makes one better than the other? Oh - you still wipe like a girl.
From: Creeko Entered on: November 7, 2003 7:57 AM
Yes, in fact the front to back wiping technique is quite girly. You have to raise one ass-cheek off the can leaving yourself in a precarious position. I've never fallen off the shitter due to a poorly fastened toilet seat.   I wipe like a man, with both feet planted squarely in the floor.
From: Ross Entered on: November 7, 2003 8:06 AM
Okay, explain this to me, then: you're sitting on the shitter, you have a wad of TP in your hand, and with your other, you lift up your nads (hold tight!). Then you pull a Reed Richards and stretch the wiping arm between your legs, under your junk, and waaaaay underneath to your hole? And wipe FORWARD? All without managing to keep your hands/wrist/arm clear of the porcelain? Crazy talk.     I believe this discussion on Poop Report covers the topic fairly well (and at length). It definitely appears that you ass-backward wipers are in the minority:     http://www.poopreport.com/Techniques/Content/Wiping /wiping.html
From: The Bone Entered on: November 7, 2003 9:59 AM
Back to front is as wrong as two boys fucking. Here's an educational link mama Heiss should have read before she potty trained the "Shitsack Bros".     http://www.saferchild.org/potty.htm     Really Heiss kids, threading the needle between the porceline and your balls is counter-intuitive for all except process fornicators. How can you get proper ass spead? It's well known that the key to a clean ass is ass spread. From the front will only cause your cheeks to squeeze, resulting in cruddy bum. I don't see how you get past that.     As for "front to back" smearing shit up my back? Due to the angle of the lean, it creates a minimal wipe surface area resulting in the stroke covering the bung and sliding straight off the body. Foolproof. I assure you, women get urinary tract infections because shit particles from "back to front" end up in the crooch. You would be getting them every week too if you had an opening. Instead you just have shit on your balls and a cruddy bum.
From: Ross Entered on: November 7, 2003 10:58 AM
I had to add a quote relating to this one. Bone, I'm almost falling out of my chair at work...
From: John Entered on: November 7, 2003 1:53 PM
Bone, I think you pretty well summed up how I feel about the unorthodox Heiss wiping method. This gay style could only be used by men with boy like proportions. Shitty balls and a cruddy bum are inevitable when using this technique much like agent Smith occupying the real world in the Matrix.
From: The Bone Entered on: November 7, 2003 7:53 PM
Creeko - "Yes, in fact the front to back wiping technique is quite girly. You have to raise one ass-cheek off the can leaving yourself in a precarious position. I've never fallen off the shitter due to a poorly fastened toilet seat.   I wipe like a man, with both feet planted squarely in the floor."     Well allow me to retort. You lean an ass cheek up. It automatically speads them so you can get it clean, all the while both feet are firmly planted. No risk of falling off the bowl. On the other hand, with your method, you risk touching the nasty porceline not to mention the ultra-high risk of submerging your hand in bung water. Discusting and inefficient! Besides, men with large genitals would really find this method quite difficult. I gave it a dry run this morning just to objectively assess the technique and aborted the process for safety reasons.
From: Ross Entered on: November 7, 2003 3:54 PM
Crying with laughter....
From: BigFatty Entered on: November 7, 2003 11:57 PM
Bone - your scientific methods are as flawed as your proclivity for kindness.     First of all, your raising one cheek to get the best spread is preposterous. What, the cheek on the high side defies gravity?? It just floats open? When you spread your cheeks for an ass fucking you don't just grab one side, do you? No-sir, you grab both cheeks and spread them wide for the he-she. Lifting one side up has your other side drooping like a stroke victim.     "You lean an ass cheek up. It automatically spreads them so you can get it clean."     If that is the case, then why don't you shit perched up like that. Your automatic spread would allow shit to pass cleanly out, eliminating the wiping stage - and no shit on your back!     Proper ass spread is achieved while sitting flat, with the seat pulling both cheeks open equally. This is how you shit, no? How is your raising one side off the seat improving on this spread, genius.     "Then you pull a Reed Richards and stretch the wiping arm between your legs, under your junk, and waaaaay underneath to your hole?"     Where the fuck is your stank hole Ross? In the middle of your back? Good Lord! You guys are the ones performing the Reed Richards act - perching, twisting, reaching around back, down, and underneath. That argument is moot.     I guess if you are an uncoordinated buffoon, you could dip your hand into some soup. You only got half a foot clearance. With all your acrobatics, I'm sure you guys can handle it.     "Due to the angle of the lean, it creates a minimal wipe surface area resulting in the stroke covering the bung and sliding straight off the body."     Is your ass flat? Its round. If your stroke covers the bung then slides right off the body, then sir you are leaving far more shit then you are taking away. You have those nasty shits my friend. The shit is not just on your hole, but all over your hairy ass. If your are just concentrating on your bung, you've got more to worry about than urinary infections. The fact is, no matter how you wipe, where-ever you drag the paper, the shit will follow. I drag my shit forward, you backward. Girls have to worry about infections, men don't. Girls have to wipe that way, men don't. Your momma wipes that way, she taught you to wipe that way. You wipe like a girl. I don?t. So, how is not wiping like a girl gay? Don?t get me started on the angle of the lean bullshit. That has more holes than a bowl of fruit loops.     ?This gay style could only be used by men with boy like proportions.?     Good point Johnny. If your cock and balls completely blocks out the space between your legs and the seat, you cannot use my method. You also cannot pee while shitting. That is sad. I have never heard of you not being able to pee while shitting Johnny. You must have boy like proportions like the rest of us. Thanks for reminding all of us that having a big dick makes you not gay.     I too have tried your method. I find it terrible. I guess with practice you get good at it. Its too one sided, meaning, the side you wipe from has got to be cleaner than the opposite side - you have better reach. Me, I'm straight down the middle. Equal cleaning on both sides, same effort.     My arse is just as clean as your assholes - mine just takes less effort. I smear to the front, you smear to the rear. You contort to swipe, I just sit and swipe.
From: The Bone Entered on: November 8, 2003 12:29 AM
Shit negro, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.     Face it, you are in the minority on this one. On the record, Ross, John, myself, the entire medical community know how to wipe our asses properly.     Judgeing from your convoluted response above, I'm going to have to give up trying to get you to wipe your ass properly. You just don't have the cognitive reasoning to understand what is going on here. You sir, along with your brother, are barbarians.
From: Ross Entered on: November 8, 2003 10:27 AM
Fatty, your explanation is so fucked, it's not even wrong - it's way beyond that.     I tried your methodology today for experimental purposes. Like Bone, I felt that during my trial, I was heading dangerously close to Total Process Fornication but decided to power through for the sake of science. It was a close call, but I pulled out okay. All I can say is that granted, while I am not experienced in this abominable procedure, even a professional is still facing far more logistical problems with this technique. The aforementioned threading of the needle is a constant threat. It is simply inferior, Fatty, and I say that as a scientist.
From: Ross Entered on: November 8, 2003 11:21 AM
Fatty: My arse is just as clean as your assholes That sounds about right: your ass is about as clean as my ass HOLE. All the smearing you're doing is probably rendering your hole's surrounding area as clean as my actual hole.
From: John Entered on: November 21, 2003 8:08 PM
Fatty's ass may be as clean as ours but I'd hate to be the chick sucking his shitty balls.
From: The Bone Entered on: November 21, 2003 8:14 PM
Holy Fucking Shit Everyone! Roche is taking a break from beating off!
From: John Entered on: November 21, 2003 9:07 PM
Hahahahaha, That's right! Asshole!
From: Ross Entered on: October 12, 2004 4:27 PM
Moments ago, I was a witness (sort of) to a new, as-yet-undocumented wiping technique that I haved dubbed "Stand and Spin". In the interest of science, I mentally documented the procedure and will now relate it to all of you for peer review purposes:     I was taking a shit in the office bathroom, and a guy plopped down next to me. He seemed to be in a hurry, too. After he finished the excretory portion of his session, he aburptly sprung to his feet, spun around toward the bowl, and raised himself onto his tip-toes. Next, I heard a most curious sound: "wipe-wipe-wipe-wipe-wipe-wipe" - at least ten times per strip of TP, each about a half second apart. I don't know exactly what he was trying to accomplish but it sounded akin to rubbing a stain deeper into your shirt. He did this about three times and fled the bathroom with an overly-quick token hand-washing.     I now ask you as PhDs in Assal Wipology: is the "Stand and Spin" inferior or superior to the "Shitsack Brothers Forward Wipe?"
From: The Bone Entered on: October 12, 2004 4:38 PM
Hard to say. It's never good to wipe 10 times with the same sheet of TP. I usually go with one smooth wipe then discard and repeat the process until the TP comes off clean. His tip toe method is very unorthodox and I see nothing to be gained. In fat standing up mearly squezzes the asscheeks together. I also don't know why you'd want to face a bowl of turds. I'd say it is inferior to the "Shitsack Brothers Forward Wipe" but I guess you have to ask yourself what is worse. - ground in turd or feces on your nutsack?
From: BigFatty Entered on: October 13, 2004 7:27 AM
Glad you brought this to the experts, Ross. I believe I have disected what is going on here. Upon completion, this gentleman leaps to his feet, spins and faces the bowl. I am pretty sure he is admiring his creation without the obstruction of toilet paper. For the tip-toes... Did you clearly see both feet, or just one. I am thinking you just saw one foot. If this is the case, he was practicing the rear-attack mode of wiping. As he twisted around to reach his hole, he would put most of his weight on one foot, and raised the opposite one onto its toes.     Bone is right on the wiping, his was excessive. He is also right about standing after a dump, it just smears it. Recall back when you realized too late that there was no paper on the roll. You try and stand up partially in order to waddle over to get another roll. Ya, thats just nasty.
From: Creeko Entered on: October 13, 2004 8:18 AM
The standing ass wipe with a twist? It must be a new approach to the already established Front to Back - Standard Method or Back to Front - Shitstack Method.     Perhaps this man is ahead of his time like Dick Fosbury was when he invented the Fosbury Flop. I seriously doubt it though.   I do find it quite eccentric though. Perhaps this guy had a raging case of the roids and the rapid rubbing motion served to relieve his agony. But by no stretch of the imagination can a standing reversal ass wipe be superior to the Shitstack Method. It?s flawed, as The Bone said, there?s no assal spreadage, thus putting the operative at greater risk of fecal catastrophe.     I still think that there needs to be some independent testing to compare the effectiveness of the Standard vs. the Shitstack Method based on the Spice Factor. As a firm believer in the Back to Front Method, I can confirm that my ass/nuts are fresh and clean and there are no remnants of spice to be found. The so-called ?Standard? method may be equally as effective but in my opinion involves too much twisting and contorting to be practical.
From: Ross Entered on: October 13, 2004 9:31 AM
Fatty, you're right - my analysis was flawed. I definitely only saw the foot closest to my stall wall, so he could very well have been putting his weight on his other foot. Good call!
From: Jackzilla Entered on: October 13, 2004 9:56 AM
Creeko - I believe the term is "shitSACK", not "shitSTACK". Named after the belief that shit gets wiped onto the nutsack using that method. I don't think there's any shit STACKING taking place -- "Turd Jenga" if you will. Being of non-uniform shapes and sizes, shit stacking would be a turdy activity at best.
From: Creeko Entered on: October 13, 2004 11:57 AM
Sorry for my Dyslexic lapse. I guess I pictured the concept of shit accumulating or stacking up layer upon layer under the nuts. Then when the person dies you can tell how long he lived by counting the layers.
From: The Bone Entered on: October 13, 2004 10:30 PM
So lets do the math: assume 1 shit per day multiplied by 365 days divided by 11,315 (the rumored number of layers on your nutsack) = 31 yrs old. I guess you are right Creeko.     Same math works out for Fatty as well.
From: Ross Entered on: October 13, 2004 11:04 PM
Never let it be said that the Shitsack Bros don't have big balls...